Raw

I dedicate this blog post to basically everyone in the world, but more specifically, to the ones in my life. Everyone goes through heartbreak in some form or another; for some of us, it’s hitting hard right now. To everyone who has loved and been loved, with nothing to show but nostalgic memories and scarred hearts, this one’s for you. A raw post about raw feelings.

“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak. Healing is messy. There is no timeline for healing.”

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Let’s start with my story. After an almost two year relationship with my high school sweetheart, I found myself at DePauw with a new aspect to my identity, one I had once reveled in and appreciated: single. Though we deemed the breakup to be mutual, I felt blindsided. I knew deep down that it was best for both of us. Constant fighting was taking a toll on us as we were trying to adjust to life at our different colleges. I can honestly say I have never felt such pain in my 19 years on this Earth. Dramatic? Maybe, but it’s true. I had never cried so passionately or felt an emotion so whole-heartedly.

After my breakup, my ex and I pretty much cut each other out of our lives completely. No contact whatsoever. Almost three months later, we saw each other for the first time. During those three months, I worked on healing myself. And up until yesterday, I was convinced I was 100% healed. Heart whole again. No soft spots, I was unbothered. I was perfectly fine, thriving even. It was awkward at first, but somehow we ended up sitting on a couch at a party talking for hours. Save for the emotional moments, it was normal. We laughed like we used to. We talked about how we’ve been since the breakup. I remember my ex shaking his head, saying “It’s still raw.” And I realized that indeed, it IS still raw. We’re three months removed from our relationship, but it still hurts. And it should hurt. It’s supposed to hurt. But it’s a different kind of hurt, speaking for myself. It’s not the acute, feel-it-in-my-chest, can’t-even-breathe type of hurt, but rather a deep yearning for the familiarity and the comfort. I miss what we had and I miss him not even as a lover, but just as a person and a best friend. He’s dope as hell. But things are different now. We’ve dubbed ourselves the “cool exes” because we’re that headass. Seeing him brought up some mixed feelings, but I know it’s just a small hiccup in my healing path. I look back at how far I’ve come and I HAVE to be proud of myself. No one else battled those demons for me.

When we go through a breakup, we grieve. We grieve months afterward. We go through the old pictures on a loop, zooming in on the smiling faces thinking “Where did I go wrong? Why can’t we be happy like this again?” We stalk social media and hope that each time we get a notification, their name will be highlighted. We go through withdrawals. Love is a helluva drug. I even went through the withdrawal of not texting someone all day. My phone was like the Sahara Desert for a few days. Heartbreak is god awful and it seems like life can’t possibly continue. I remember calling my mom and my sister in tears several times. What about my poor roommate who had to hold me as I bawled and wondered why I wasn’t good enough? It was so hard to be going through something that was so big at the time almost entirely alone. But I sought out others to support me and who would let me talk about it. And every time I talked, it got easier. And then I got my closure from my ex and started filling in the gaps he left. I surrounded myself with my friends who were so willing to pour their love into me. I joined clubs at school and started working out again. Please know that I know how hard it is, and so does almost everyone else on this planet. That being said, don’t allow anyone to diminish your hurt. Accept your emotions and feel them with every ounce of your being. Time heals, but it doesn’t heal if you choose to ignore the wound. It’s really just a matter of getting through each day until you don’t have to trudge through every hour. One day, you wake up and you’re ready to bounce back. But no one gets to tell you how long to grieve.

I didn’t write this to broadcast my struggle. It’s really hard to be so vulnerable online, but this site is my journal. I wrote it with the intent of helping the people that I know are having a time with their love life. I want it to be relatable so you understand that you aren’t alone even though it seems like you’re the only one who is struggling. Tried not to make it cheesy or cliche.

Whenever I would call my mom in hysterics, she’d always remind me that I’m not the first person to experience heartbreak and that the first is always the worst. A piece of advice-don’t settle, don’t lose yourself in someone else, don’t stay with someone just because you’re comfortable, and lastly, don’t text your ex.

So, this one is for you. The one who tries self-medicating in any way possible. The one who still has dreams at night about the boy who never gave her a chance. The one who can’t seem to settle down after that one breakup. The one who’s still grieving almost six months later. The one who hooks up with boys she doesn’t know in the backseat of their cars. The one who finds validation on Tinder. The one who can’t give up on the person they love(d). I see you. And I hope you see me too.

With the love you deserve,

MACK ❤