Finished my senior jeans!! I started them the day before school started I think. It only took me a few months…but I’m happy I waited to finish them. I painted for five hours today yikes!
Second of all, I have twelve school days left of high school. Actually, seniors really only have ten because we have our senior picnic hooplah and our senior trip!!! And I have my AP test next Tuesday (gross) which takes up half a day. Basically, I’m looking at 9 1/2 days of high school. Not sure how I feel about that.
Am I excited about life after high school? For sure. But I’m also extremely sad. As a very sentimental person, I tend to become upset when a moment passes that I know I’ll never get back. In this case, I can never have a normal high school day after May 21. Yeah I can walk back through Door 18 for a basketball game over winter break, but I know it won’t be the same. I’ll have flashbacks of rushing in, trying to beat the 7:55 bell, and remember what life was like. If I come back for football games, my spot won’t be with my friends since elementary school in the fan section, dressed to the nines in that evening’s themed attire-no, Ill be blurred in with the crowd, another has-been.
I know that after I walk across the stage, diploma in hand, my high school achievements don’t really matter anymore. No one cares that I won a writing competition my freshman year or that I was an all-state volleyball player for two years. I’ll always care, and I’ll always have those memories, but I won’t be that person that reminisces on their high school glory days. I think the glory days are whenever you want them to be. I refuse to allow myself to think that I’ve peaked in high school. My glory days are in the future when I’m traveling the world, when I get married, when I find my purpose in life.
It’s always difficult for me to shut the door on a chapter in life (seasons of life, according to Indy Blue). I freak myself out thinking about how I literally will never do some things again. I’ll never eat Mrs.Morris’s candy during seventh period while I’m in the office. I’ll never run with my track friends after my last meet 😦 At some point, I’ll never come home to my mom(s) cooking dinner for me; instead I’ll be eating cafeteria food, probably gaining the freshman 15 yikes. After graduation, I’ll probably never see one of my BFFs since elementary because she’ll be eloping all over the world doing super important, life-changing stuff. (That’s you, Rach)
With all this being said, I know graduating high school is a little thing in the grand scheme of life, but it’s really scary to think that I have to completely adjust my life. I’ve never known anything but Pioneer and cornfields.
I think my blog has taken the form of a journal sometimes. I’ve always tried to be that girl who journals everyday, but I am forgetful, oops. How fun will it be in a few months or even years to look back on all these old posts and see how far I made it. It’s a link to the past, and that’s all I need to give me the courage to look forward (lots of pictures and videos help too-hello, senior year video, stay tuned :))
Probably more to come because reality hasn’t sunk in yet.
First of all, I think Laguna Beach, CA is one of my favorite places I’ve visited (and I’ve been to quite a few places). Meagan and I were trying to conjure up ways we could stay there forever. Car camping, anyone?? From the unbelievable scenery to the relaxed atmosphere, Laguna has something for everyone. Now let’s take a cruise down the PCH memory lane and recap the must sees of Laguna!
In no particular order
1. Heisler Park
A paved sidewalk-trail that runs parallel between the coast and the PCH, Heisler Park boasts some beautiful views of Main Beach. There’s also stairwell access to the beach!
2. Banzai Bowls
Okay so Banzai Bowls aren’t strictly a Laguna thing, BUT Meagan and I had been waiting for years to get our hands on an açaí bowl so we booked it from Main Beach to Banzai Bowls. What was supposed to be a mile or so walk turned into almost a three mile hike (don’t ask me how, it should’ve been a straight shot down the PCH) but we hit a few shops along the way!
3. Urth Cafe
While we’re talking about food, Urth Cafe is high high high on my list. Like Banzai Bowls, there are Urths in other CA cities. It’s really popular with YouTubers like Hannah Meloche and Ellie Thumann and now I know why: it’s absolutely delicious!!! I think most of the food is organic or sustainably sourced or something like that so it’s on the pricier end, but so worth it! Meagan and I both ordered stuffed French toast (post-SoulCycle: we earned it 😂)
4. Gelato Paradiso
Okay this is turning into a food post but I couldn’t not put this in here. Seriously the BEST GELATO IVE EVER HAD. I ordered four flavors to try a variety and ooooo baby. So rich and creamy, my mind is still blown!
5. Laguna Alta
Laguna Alta (top of the world) is a little network of trails that’s popular with mountain bikers. It overlooks the mountains and hillsides of Laguna and really makes you feel like you’re on top of the world or at least on top of Laguna! We drove by the local high school too, and it’s so weird to think that there’s kids like me that live there everyday???
6. Crystal Cove and Shake Shack
Halfway between Laguna and Newport Beach lies Crystal Cove State Park and the Shake Shack. We took a walk down the beach to the Shake Shack where I had one of the best chocolate malts of my life. And an extra long hotdog? It was like a foot and a half long? But yeah the scenery was so pretty along the park
7. Le Macaron
Okay now this is the last food post. Let me just say I love love love French macarons!!! They are my favorite dessert next to creme brûlée and red velvet cheesecake!!! There’s a shop along the PCH across from Main Beach that’s totally dedicated to French Macarons. It was a sign. I HAD to have some. They were deeeelish! (No I didn’t eat all of these, half of them were Meagan’s!-unfortunately)
Highly highly recommend Laguna Beach for your next vacay!!!
There’s just been some things this month that make life a little bit better. So I figured I’d share my April obsessions!
Books: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
I’ve always had this book in my Goodreads cache, but never could pull myself to buy it. I’m about halfway, and I’m already loving it. After a reading dry spell, I was ready for a book that really drew me in and had me thinking about it while I was doing something else and this did the trick! Plus, it makes me really want to save the bees so go me.
TV/Movies: Game of Thrones
After hearing all the hype for several years, I finally bit the bullet and started Game of Thrones. Only two episodes in and I’m hooked so far. But I have a habit of never ever finishing like any series that I start so I’ll probably lose interest oops. Shoutout to my sister for the HULU hookup 😉
Food: Boom Chicka Pop (Kettle Corn)
Crack in a bag. Do not let one of these luscious, purple bags in my site or I’ll mindlessly eat the whole thing. Seriously DEEEELISHHHHH
Hobby: Crocheting and Sewing
Yeah I know it’s very old lady-ish but I think it’s fun and I have some projects lined up that I’m super excited about!! The problem is that I get so burnt out so fast, but I’m trying to make some stuff for my dorm and maybe I’ll be able to sell some other stuff?? HMMMM
yeah this picture doesn’t relate to this post but enjoy the view
So… I kinda stopped blogging. At the beginning, I told myself I’d post every week. Obviously that didn’t pan out.
I can’t really make the excuse that my schoolwork has completely overwhelmed me. I’m a second semester senior-what’s schoolwork??? Even though I’ve been bored out of my mind in school, I’m still busy with track practice and meets and just other things and let me just be honest. I’ve been really tired. Like the kind of tired where you can sleep on the weekends all you want and still be tired from the word go on Monday and then all throughout the week. I honestly don’t know why I’ve been tired, I go to bed before 10:30 almost every night. Whatever.
I think one of the main things that’s been preventing me from blogging is that I expect too much from myself. I try to write posts, but it just never comes out like I intend. I haven’t decided what platform I want to target or if I even want to have specific targets. I think that takes the fun out of it. Why shouldn’t I be able to blog about anything I want? My blog is basically a public journal where I can pretend to have an audience that cares what I have to say. A public journal with the intent to provide content for myself to look back on while inspiring others. There. I said it.
I have a really bad habit of expecting to be a pro at everything even if I’m just starting out. It’s kinda like that quote that says something like “Don’t compare your mile one to someone else’s mile 26.” Is that how it goes? Or did I just make that up? I really struggle with comparison when it comes to my hobbies and interests. I expect my blog to look like the famous travel blogger’s sites or the creative mommy bloggers. Meanwhile, mine is drab and I still can’t seem to figure out how to add pages or really do anything to my site 😦 It’s very frustrating for me and makes me insecure.
I know it’s dumb to stress about something that should be fun, but I still place unnecessary pressure on myself. I find comfort in the fact that many people tell me that they enjoy reading my blogs-even if it is my family and my boyfriend (I think they’re a little biased) BUT at least someone enjoys it along with me and that should be enough! So maybe I’ll spice things up and switch my theme, huh, what do we think about that? Maybe add some more pages and really get the blog looking like a real site. MAYBE
So, now that I’ve got this off my chest I am going to push myself to post every Sunday. Even if I think my post sounds like the stupidest thing on Earth. Because in retrospect, should I care? Eh, maybe, but there are better things to worry about than if Sue thinks I ramble too much and my posts are ugly and unorganized. We’re all trying our best, sweetie! Don’t you forget it.
Announcement: I got into Servicio en las Américas! ¡Estoy muy emocionada, especialmente porque el viaje es gratis!
For anyone who is unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, Servicio is a first-year program offered by DePauw. It’s a mix between a study abroad program/community service program/Spanish immersion trip. I’ll spend two weeks down at DePauw doing community service in Greencastle and the surrounding area and hopefully meeting new friends, fingers crossed! And I’ll have a preview of campus life since I’ll be staying in a dorm on campus and everything, so I’m super excited. I just hope I don’t get tired of it already.
After those two weeks are up, I fly down to Panama for another two weeks doing more community service! I’ve only been out of the US once to Canada on my way to Alaska, so I’m really nervous about international travel. BUT I know this will get me more familiar with international travel so I can go all over the world in the future! In addition, I have to speak ONLY SPANISH the whole time! I was two points off from being placed in the top level Spanish class at DePauw, but to say I’m rusty is an understatement.
Being away from home for a month is nerve wracking, especially since I don’t know anyone in my group, but I think it’ll be a great opportunity for me to explore and grow as a person. Will I miss everyone back home? Sure. But I won’t be home all the time once I go off to college. Learning to be alone is something everyone needs to experience.
Life begins at the end of your comfort zone
Excited for the future, even more excited today bc I’ll be in Cali tomorrow 🙂 big things are ahead, I’m sure of it. Updates to come, stay tuned!
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So excited to finally write about this topic because I love skin care! That may sound weird, but I think it’s so much fun.
*Disclaimer: I am in no way a doctor or dermatologist or any of that jazz. But I am a teenage girl battling hormonal acne and scarring and I’ve done a lot of research on this stuff so I know a little about it. This is also based on my results obviously and just some general advice 🙂 don’t come after me pls, thanks
First and foremost – wash your face twice a day, morning and night. I feel like this should be common knowledge honestly. I always feel so much more awake and clean after I wash my face in the morning. And then so clean when I go to bed because I wash all the nasties that accumulated on my face from that day. Washing your face also rids all the excess oils and dirt (which cause pimples, errrrybody). Do not use harsh soaps! This will strip your skin, leaving it dehydrated, dull, and probably with more acne. When you strip your skin, your body thinks “Oh wow Mack’s face is super dry- let’s produce some more oil to lube that puppy up!” NOT GOOD. Also, use soaps that are intended for your skin type. Meaning don’t use super drying soaps if you’re prone to dry and flaky skin! With all of this being said, it really boils down to what works for your skin, something I’ll probably be saying a lot in this post. I have a friend who does not wash her face unless in the shower, and if she does-she doesn’t use soap. And guess what- her skin is beautiful! Not a zit in site. If two washes a day leaves your skin super dry, try switching to a more gentle cleanser or wash once a day. Experiment and discover what works for you. I recommend Cetaphil as a face wash because it is so gentle and works for about all skin types.
Adding onto that last point, when I say experiment I don’t mean switch your products every week. It usually takes 3-4 weeks for your skin to adjust to a new product and for you to determine whether your skin is improving or looks plain awful because of it. Switching products allll the time will freak your skin out and leave it irritated.
Now, let’s get into a routine. 1. wash (we already talked about this, I know I KNOW!)
2. toner. What the heck is a toner, you ask? Only my favorite step of skincare. So a toner balances your skin’s pH levels because certain products can leave it too far on one end of the spectrum, causing acne. Toner evens pH out and thus evens out skin tone. I’ve been using witch hazel for years, and it has been my saving grace. Seriously, I had severe backne when I was in elementary school. Poured some witch hazel on a cotton pad, swiped it all over, and boom – improvements. And yes, I could definitely tell the difference when I didn’t use it. Witch hazel rids the skin of oils and dirt leftover after washing, and it makes your skin feel so clean! After my 9+ hour day of traveling, my face felt so greasy. After swiping on some witch hazel, I felt ready-to-go! My favorite right now is Thayer’s witch hazel because it’s completely natural with no alcohol and it’s cruelty-free and vegan! It also comes in scents like cucumber and rose petal or something like that. I use cucumber and unscented and they are great!
3. Moisturize. I cannot stress this enough. Moisturize even if you have super oily skin! It will not hurt your oily skin or make your acne worse, if anything it will help. Your skin needs moisture, and you won’t look like a fresh-faced baby without it. Dry skin is more prone to wrinkles as you age, and ladies hate wrinkles am I right? Want that dewy, Instagram-model skin? Moisturize!!! Restore the skin barrier!!! CeraVe PM moisturizer is great and is non-comedogenic so it won’t clog pores.
4. SPF. So. important. The sun is bad, regardless of what you think or just choose to ignore. Use SPF every day because even on an overcast day, UV rays still poke through (this goes for all you spring-breakers, especially right now.) In addition, the lights in buildings are not good for your skin. If you’re lazy like me, find a moisturizer with SPF in it. I use Juice Beauty’s SPF 30 Oil-Free Moisturizer and I am obsessed. I think it’s designed for acne prone skin because it says clears while hydrates. How about that for multitasking? It also has a bunch of antioxidants and it’s organic!! Protect your skin, no one wants skin cancer or wrinkles so deep it looks like the Grand Canyon just because you’re frying your face.
Other routine inclusions involve exfoliating, serums, and masks. Exfoliating gets rid of all the dead skin and exposes the new skin underneath. Excess dead skin cells can build up and clog pore=acne :(. Exfoliating also helps your skin look fresh and can reduce the appearance of scars. Serums can help plump up your skin and give it a little extra moisture. I use the Athara Pure Neem Healing Oil and I love it! Neem is known to be very good for acne, and it makes your skin look so glowy! Now, face masks are great and everything, but not so much if you have sensitive skin like me. I have to be cautious about what face masks I use because a lot of the ingredients are harsh and burn my skin. Look for all-natural masks. Clay masks are great for acne seeing as they pull out all the toxins, but they can be drying so use them sparingly about once a week. The Indian Healing Clay is great and cheap too! It’s pure clay and you can get a 1 lb jar off Amazon for like $8. Mix it up with ACV and you are good to go.
Let me talk about Athara Pure real quick. If you didn’t already know and you probably didn’t, I am a huge advocate for natural products. Athara makes vegan skincare products with all-natural ingredients! I love them so much, they’re products are incredible. Usually, products such as these are crazy expensive, and I thought Athara was expensive until I compared it to other brands. For a moisturizer, you may spend $100 for a product comparable to Athara’s $30. Now, that seems like a lot for a 2 oz bottle, but I’ve barely made a dent in any of my products. I have the Moroccan coffee eye cream, the neem healing oil, and the charcoal cleansing bar. Ive had these for about three months and have used maybe an eighth of them? Probably one fourth of the cleansing bar because I use that as my face wash. It can be a little drying, and leaves your skin dry and tight, but if you dilute it with water its great. I am definitely going to use these products in the future (far into the future probably). I think they have definitely helped my skin and my acne.
Okay I think this post is over for now, but expect more to follow on this little skincare series! And even though I still have acne, my skin’s quality has improved overall from following these tips. I think people of all ages, any gender can benefit from this. Buh-bye now!
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DePauw University – Future Honor Scholar? Environmental Fellow? Media Fellow? We’ll find out.
Hey hey heyyyyyy! It’s Mack again. Read on to find out my final college choice and the whys behind it! A lot of people already know but I wanted to inform those whom I don’t regularly see.
So to start off, let me take you on my college search journey. As an underclassmen I always envisioned myself attending a large university to escape the claustrophobic life that comes with attending a small JR-SR high school. Don’t get me wrong, I think my school is the best evaaa but you kinda outgrow it after so many years with the same 80 kids. Ready to move on to bigger and better things, I pictured myself attending a Purdue or an IU to get the real college vibe. As a junior, I visited Purdue-Northwest because I wanted to play volleyball at the time. I loved PNW when I visited (hello because it was my first visit I thought it was where I’d end up). Then I visited Purdue in the spring and I realized PNW had nothing on a place like Purdue. I seriously was considering Purdue, it’s such a great place (I still really like Purdue, just not a place I could see myself thriving). In the summer, my mom and I succumbed to stumbling around IU’s vast campus and getting lost several times when I realized that I just didn’t have the tiniest inkling of a desire to go there except for Bloomington Bagels-seriously the best breakfast sandwich I’ve ever had! Stop in if you’re near B-Town.
During my senior year, the real question is not where did I visit. Perhaps where DIDN’T I visit would be more suitable! Let me rack my brain real quick. Ball State. Hanover. Butler. DePauw. The first school I applied to – and was accepted, with a substantial scholarship- was Ball State. I remember I had had an AWFUL day! I was exhausted from our Live United Day, I locked my keys in my car with all of my volleyball stuff inside and we were leaving for the Leo tournament in a few hours! I was so upset, but as I was leaving my house, my mom peeked inside the mailbox and pulled out a huge envelope from Ball State! My first acceptance letter relieved me because at least I had someplace to go even if it didn’t turn out to be my first choice!
Next stop: Butler! After leaving Butler, I was convinced that I’d end up going there, no doubt. I loved it! The campus was beautiful, everyone was very friendly, and hello they have the cutest mascot ever!
I don’t even remember why I decided to visit DePauw. Maybe because one of my friends played volleyball there and had great things to say about the program? Mmmm, don’t know, doesn’t matter. I remember I visited on a day designated for the Honor Scholar and Fellows Program. I had applied for both the Honors Scholar Program and the Environmental Fellows Program prior to my visit so I interviewed early for these programs (I say early because the deadline for the application wasn’t until Feb 1).
Though the weather was dreary and I only saw like a small portion of campus, I was intrigued by the advanced intellectual level of everyone around me on campus. During my interview with the director of the Honor Scholar Program, I felt challenged but so stimulated because the program forces students to look at situations from different perspectives. At a sample Honors course, one girl asked a question that was phrased so eloquently that I wasn’t even sure what she was asking or what the words she used meant! Nonetheless, I was impressed.
As I continued on my college search, I found myself comparing every school to DePauw. DePauw really seemed to have everything I was looking for. Every other school always had one or two downsides – crappy rec facility, deteriorated dorms, too-large, too-small. You name it and I didn’t like it at some school. BUT DePauw was the first school that exceeded my expectations. I love it!!! Campus is so beautiful. It’s located in a small, but very nice town (with lots of local restaurants and shops – Myers Market is deeelish). It is unmatched in my eyes. Which is why I submitted my deposit today woot woot!!!
Opportunities. The major deciding factor in my college decision. At DePauw, I know I’ll thrive compared to at a large state school where, cliche, I know, but I’d be a nobody. I’ve already encountered amazing opportunities before even attending school! I have the chance to belong to honors programs based on my passions, build relationships with professors and friends (shoutout Reagan!), and even apply for an intensive Spanish study abroad trip this summer! Seriously, even having the opportunity to apply for Servicio en las Americas (a 4 week Spanish study abroad trip to Panama-for free!) just screams success to me. Stay tuned to see if I make the cut, mi espanol es un poco mal ahora. Anyways, DePauw is set up on a regular fall and spring term but it also includes January term and May term. During Jan term and May term, students can choose to study abroad with a professor, take a course at DePauw or another school, intern, or stay home. Okay I’m trying my best to explain how cool this is, but it isn’t really working out, but I promise it’s ~so totally rad, dude~
Anywho, I’m SO excited for my future at DePauw. I cannot wait to get back to campus for the Honors & Fellows Programs Weekend! AND I’m staying in my friend’s dorm parrrtayyyy! Can’t wait for all that fun college stuff like decorating my dorm with my roomie, meeting new friends, and finding my niche and my passions while living the dream – or that’s the goal anyways! GO TIGERS! ALSO – GIMME THE LOOT
Advice to younger kiddos:
Keep an open mind
Whether you’re in middle school or an underclassmen in high school, you may have a picture in your head of your ideal college. Drawing from previous experience, it’s probably a big school far away or moderately far away from home. Don’t go into the college search looking for one specific school. Visit as many schools as possible-within reason. I’m not saying go ham and drive all over the country, but my #1 tip is to keep your options open. Visit a few large schools, a few medium, and a few small. And remember- just because you visit school of that size and hate it doesn’t mean that all the other schools are just as bad. Even though you may love the first school you visit, keep visiting. Don’t settle.
2. Don’t procrastinate
Seriously, this will help so much as you enter senior year. Actually, start this tip as early as possible to break the habit. Take your SATs and ACTs twice in your junior year. Then, you don’t have that stress looming over you as applications flood in as you enter senior year. Ask for recommendation letters as early as possible, a couple weeks before school starts is great so teachers can get those to you when school starts and you can get the ball rollin’. Finish allllll homework and studying first. Then, devote some time to working on those apps – you’ll thank yourself later! It feels so good to relax knowing that you don’t have to worry about deadlines. Also, finish the FAFSA ASAP (children of divorced parents stay with me till tip #6!:( )
3. Work super duper hard in school=$$$
Alright, let me just say this: stop slacking off in school. Do your absolute best because good grades bring the dough! You don’t want to be paying off $100,000+ in student loans when you’re 50 when you could’ve only been paying $30,000, am I right or am I right?
4. Scholarships!
With that being said, apply for scholarships! Even if you’re college doesn’t give you a scholarship, you can still earn money! I know my guidance counselors are GREAT at supplying us with plenty of scholarships! Check with your guidance office to see what scholarships you qualify for. Also, before you sit down to work on your apps, gather all of your materials. Make a resume of all extracurriculars, work experience, awards, leadership roles, allllldat. Super duper helpful. Get some copies of transcripts and acceptance letters if possible, too!
5. FAFSA
Alright, everyone that I have talked to about the FAFSA immediately goes into a rage about it. Let me just vouch from personal experience and say that the FAFSA – as with many financial aid forms- is not particularly divorced parent friendly. It’s can get really confusing when figuring out which house to file. I was told to file with the household with the lowest income by a woman who apparently does this kind of stuff everyday- however, that is not the case. You need to file with your custodial parent’s household information. Even if you try to hack the system and say that your parent with the lower household income is custodial, the devils have other ways to determine that for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 and come and go at each house as you please, they will find out and make that decision for you 😦 ~based on my experience, let’s hope the feds don’t come after me~
Howdy hey. Me again. This is going to be a short post (I think). But I just wanted to express my gratitude for all the love and support I received in response to my first blog post! Seriously, I had SO many friends, family, acquaintances, and people who I haven’t spoken to in years give me such great feedback. It means so much to me because I was sooo nervous to post it and to even start my blog. I didn’t think I could ever start a blog, it seemed like such an advanced task, one saved for mommy-bloggers or vagabonds-in other words, not a task for a Midwestern gal living in a pretty sheltered community. Sheltered, but great. This community I speak of doesn’t just extend to the county lines or the school districts, but the people that I’ve built relationships with throughout my life who take the time to reach out to me and encourage me! I love you guys!!! Ahhh means so much to me, it inspires me to reach out to others and reminds me to be so supportive of my friends! I know some people that I barely talked to in high school shared my post. That meant a lot and kinda opened my eyes in a way. The whole thing was so exciting for me and I felt so humbled by all the responses that kept flooding in from ex-high school athletes explaining their similar situation. Anyways, I don’t expect to have the same feedback on all of my posts. That being said, not all of my posts will be as deep and heartfelt as the first. But I hope everyone can relate a little bit to what I choose to write. (Maybe the boys won’t relate to skincare tips or fashion advice or posts like that, but hey there’s something out there for everyone)
Young Mack is born into a family where volleyball is prevalent, with a big sis playing high school volleyball, a dad coaching club teams off and on, and two parents who had played the sport themselves as young adults (insert picture of Mom wearing obnoxiously large kneepads). Always wanting to be like her big sis, she was over the moon at her first club practice in fourth grade when her sister was her coach! Could it get any better than this?!
*Spoiler alert* It does indeed get better. And then worse.
From the get-go, I was obsessed with volleyball. I wanted to play ALL.THE.TIME. and I even subjected my poor mom to playing with me in the driveway, of course making her chase the ball into the street (added exercise right?). Flash forward to junior high. Still obsessed, but rightly so- I was having so much fun!!! I looked forward to the weekend club tournaments because that meant playing two days in a row and spending time with some of my best friends. If we were lucky, our parents would get a hotel room and the four of us could have a sleepover! Those were definitely my most pure memories of volleyball. I’m a very sentimental person, so I’d always try to savor those moments before they ended because I knew that someday I’d never experience hotel sleepovers with a looming early morning tournament. Though I never played club with my friends again, we did have our final hotel sleepover, and I could not have asked to have a better end. Very symbolic if you ask me.
The OG’s
Anyways, I survived my first week of double days as a freshman in high school. Freshman year brought the first heartbreak I experienced in volleyball because I didn’t earn a Varsity letter like my friends. Nonetheless, I gathered myself for my sophomore season and actually earned a Varsity letter (and the spot as the Libero, I loved it)! For the third year in a row, my high school program lost in Semi-State. I bawled when the final point dropped in the 5th set. 15-13, it really doesn’t get much worse than that in a volleyball match. BUT that experience ignited my passion for the sport and I decided that I wanted to play in college!!! Yayyyy! So I tried out for Munciana, perhaps the most elite club volleyball program in the nation. I made the 4’s team, and eventually hated my life the whole season because of the long drives, late nights, and the fact that I made like no friends. On the plus side, my mom brought me Chick-fil-A after practice 🙂 (thanks mom!). Add in the fact that my coach was arrested a few months after the season ended at Nationals and you could see where I’m coming from.
Junior year was probably the most fun high school season because there was absolutely no drama (okay there was, but it didn’t affect the team). The atmosphere at practice was so chill and I was loving it! We won regionals and were thrown into a one game Semi-State where we imploded horrendously. Like embarrassingly awful! It was really discouraging to win Regionals for four years in a row and never get over the hump. I played at a different club my junior year, CIViC. My dad coached for CIViC when I was younger, and my sister played for them. Also, my dad has always been great friends with the coaches – and for good reason. Seriously, they are some of the best people I’ve ever met. They have helped me immensely, and I am ever so grateful for them! The season was okay, but I knew something was wrong with me. I started to resent practices and tournaments, much like I did at Munciana but not to the same degree. I was also running track at the time, like always, so I’d have something going on 7 days a week, this leasing to my slow burnout on volleyball. CIViC has produced some great college players, two of which were on my team. Still, I felt the need to fulfill my dream of playing college volleyball and I knew my coaches could get me to the next level.
FINALLY GETTING TO THE JIST OF THINGS
AHHH MY SENIOR SEASON!!!! I dreaded my last year of Pioneer volleyball, but also relished in it. I wanted to soak up every moment spent in the program that I love(d). To be honest, it was nothing like I had imagined. Our team, especially the seniors and the coaches, dreamed to finally make it to the state championship. Our coach, perhaps one of the best in the state, made sure we knew how capable we were of reaching our goal. Soon, things started to crumble. I was so excited for my final season, but nothing seemed to be going right. Our team was underperforming, there was so much pressure placed on the seniors to lead and basically win the games to get us to state, along with schoolwork and scholarship applications (I was applying for the Lily, stressed me out) it ate me up throughout the season until I realized volleyball wasn’t FUN anymore. I finally cracked like an egg on my senior night. Deep down, I knew that I wasn’t happy with volleyball, but I pushed that thought away because I thought I HAD to love volleyball and never have bad feelings towards the sport because that’s just not who I have ever been.
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying somewhere you don’t belong.
I remember running to the locker room after a discussion with my coach where he told me that I didn’t seem like myself, and that I didn’t seem to love volleyball anymore which was weird because he had always known how passionate I was. Hearing the words aloud struck me in an indescribable way, and I stood rooted to the spot and shook my head with tears in my eyes. I remember running the the locker room, bawling my eyeballs out, wondering what was wrong with me as my teammates and family schmoozed over cake and punch. It sounds very dramatic, but my dad can attest to this rather embarrassing moment. He knocked on the door, and told me to come out. I remember thinking “Are you serious right now? Not in the mood to talk right now DAD!” I went out anyways, puffy eyes and all.
We talked and talked and talked for what seemed like forever. My dad has never been one to talk about my feelings with me, that has always been a “Mom-job”, but it’s actually one of my favorite memories now. I expressed my emotions towards volleyball, describing how I didn’t even want to play anymore, how I dreaded so many upcoming games and practices because I knew we would most likely make a deep tournament run again. Instead of squashing my feelings with a “suck it up, buttercup”, my dad cried with me. WHAT! (If you’re reading this, sorry about your soiled manhood Dad) I don’t remember his exact words, but he emphasized the importance for me to have fun and enjoy the last bits of my senior year of Pioneer volleyball-after all, I had just played my last regular season game on our home court. Concerning my college career, my dad said that he didn’t care whether I played in college, he just wanted me to be happy. BUT he did express his trepidation towards me quitting because he didn’t want me to regret my decision and always have the “What if’s”. Quickly, my mindset did a somersault and I was ready to go for post-season!!! AND COLLEGE VB!!!!
*Spoiler alert* PHSVB finally made it to state. We lost BUT WE MADE IT!!!!
Mom I made it!!!
After dreaming of it for years, the “Core Four” finally made it to the State Banquet
So yeah we lost, but I had so much fun! The “Core Four” (above) stayed in the same hotel room and had our final sleepover with the biggest game of our lives the next morning. It was a night full of uncontrollable cackles, failed Polaroids, and long talks. I couldn’t have asked for better.
If anyone is still reading by this point, shoutout to you because I ramble a lot but this is my blog so 👋🏻. But I’m finally making my point, if anyone cares. Soooo after a 2 month hiatus from volleyball, I registered for my second and final season with CIViC. I have always lived a very busy life, and senior year was no different. I had not sat down on my living room couch to watch TV with my parents prior to this nice break. Starting in my sophomore year, I became hesitant about playing in college because I was getting so burnt out so quickly. It seemed to progress each season. It reached its peak when I was supposed to go to my second club practice during senior year and I was dreading it. I had major anxiety about going, not because I was unfamiliar with my new team or anything, but because I dreaded the routine and knew I would resent games and practices throughout the season. I considered what my life would be like if I played in college. I pictured myself overwhelmed and just not happy with my life anymore. I knew something was wrong, but I squished the feeling down and tried not to touch it. I feared changing myself. I feared what my life would be like if I actually quit. Would I regret my decision to no end? Would I feel disappointed in myself? Oh no, what about my coaches and my parents?! They had put so much effort and time into helping me, and now I wanted to let them down? No way, girl! I was at constant war with myself for a few days, I was so anxious and the thoughts running through my mind were taking a toll on my body. I had trouble focusing, and I eventually enlisted the help of my mom. Through sobs, I told her my issues, volleyball along with stress, etc., and we talked for TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! I made the decision that night that I was going to quit. I didn’t find joy in volleyball like I used to, and I wanted to experience new things, something that would be incredibly difficult as a student-athlete. I felt relieved after making my decision, but I wondered who I would be if I didn’t have the label “Student-Athlete” anymore.
I had a similar talk with my dad, although much shorter, but yes tears were involved again. To my relief, my dad was not upset or angry and he supported me 100%. Still, he brought up the possibility of potential regrets, as if the “What-If’s” weren’t already haunting me. I went back to my room and gathered myself. Now I had to call my coaches. I called my head coach, one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever met, first. After explain to her my reasons for quitting, she said to me after a pause, “Then you’re quitting for the right reasons.” We had a great chat about growing up and making difficult decisions. Next, I called my assistant club coach, whom I was equally fond of. I thought she was rather shocked, and a later text served as evidence for that fact. She seemed genuinely upset, which meant a lot that she would be affected by my absence. (C, if you’re reading this we gotta plan our reunion!)
CIViC Pride – even at Semi-State!
Almost a week after my decision, I can say that I made the right choice. I feel relieved. The “What-If’s” will always be there, but I made my decision and I am confident in it. There’s no way that I would have mentally thrived during a season of college volleyball so there was no point in playing club. I am excited for my future now! I know that there is more to life than volleyball, and I know that I can thrive in other ways than playing volleyball. Volleyball has gifted me with some amazing friends, memories, and skills, and I do not want to imagine what my life would have been like if I were not born into a volleyball-centered family.
SMELL YA LATER
MACK 🙂
One last go ‘round
A last pic with BOBBALOO 🤗
A future PHSVB player???
The Real Ones – Thanks for enabling and encouraging me to chase my dreams.
The Mackadamia Nut 