While this post is targeted for my incoming freshmen babes, take what applies! #thissemesterisgonnabeamovie 🤪😙✌🏻💞

I go to a small liberal arts school with a student population of about 2,000 students in the middle of nowhere so clearly my college experience isn’t exactly comparable to that of a large state school, but this good info if I do say so myself.

I’m a first-gen student so I went into college without a clue what to expect. I had no clue how anything really operated nor did my parents. Sure, we knew the horror stories of dorm living and how everyone says it’s different than high school, blah blah blah. Besides the surface level stuff, I was lost and I didn’t really have anyone to ask. I remember reading and compiling multiple different packing lists because I had no idea what to bring for dorm living. So if you’re like me, lost in the sauce when it comes to higher education, chillax and let your internet big sister do the most as she always does.

GENERAL

• carry a reusable water bottle. hydrate or diedrate & cut down on single use plastic.
• dress however you want, it’s college & no one cares if you look like a bum. and it’s a great way to experiment w your own style. being known for having cool outfits isn’t the worst thing in the world. however, realize that your professors are networking opportunities so maybe avoid looking like you just rolled out of bed two minutes before class when possible.
• i’m not condoning it, but underage drinking isn’t such a huge deal in college. people just want to make sure you’re safe! as long as you’re not publicly intoxicated or a risk, you should be fine.
• be single your freshman year. i’m not going to tell you what to do (but i am). break up with your high school sweetheart, save the heartbreak and the ensuing bender. you can always get back together, but you can’t get your freshman year back. and don’t try to find a partner once you’re on campus either, just focus on making the most out of the year, okay? okay!
• the friends you make your first year probably won’t last the entire four years of college and that’s okay! sometimes those people serve their purpose and you grow apart after you settle in a little more.
• embrace the chaos, no one has their shit together even if they project otherwise
• that senior does not “love” you, babe. they’re looking for fresh meat because the people their age are tired of their weird bullshit.
• maybe this isn’t the best advice BUT you won’t remember when you stayed up all night studying for that test or writing that paper but you WILL remember when you spontaneously went to the gas station for slushies at 3am and wound up meeting your best friends. prioritize always, but live a little mmmkay!
• frat pledges are great! love those guys!…but they’re another breed. between being hazed and using their newfound status to meet as many new faces as possible, they’re not the best option for a romantic venture. friendzone first and reevaluate if applicable.
• get involved!!!!!! i cannot stress this enough. joining orgs gives you something to do and focus on other than school, and if you’re a first year it’ll help ease the transition.
• i loathe the fact that i feel the need to say this. sexual assault is common in college, unfortunately. it doesn’t just happen at parties either. obviously the issue lies with the aggressors but the responsibility falls to potential victims. if you’re going out make sure you go with people you absolutely trust! don’t set your drink down, and if you do just get a new one. be aware of your surroundings at all times and look out for others as well.
• for better or for worse, no one cares about who you were in high school.

ACADEMIC

• GO TO CLASS! Unless you’re a bonafide genius in a course, how else do you expect to learn and pass with good grades? just showing up is the bare minimum, set that expectation for yourself early on
• participate when you do go to class. it’s so easy to mentally check out, especially when classes are online. if you struggle with participation like me, make a goal to participate at least once whether it’s answering a professor’s question or making a thoughtful contribution to the discussion at least once per class session. also–be active during class, take good notes not only from the powerpoints but things that the professor says as well.
• make at least one acquaintance in each class. you’ll be thankful you did when you need the notes if you miss class or if you want a study buddy or if you need to partner for a project.
• avoid 8ams if possible, it’s nice to be up and start the day but they’re rough even if you’re an early bird
• try to schedule at least one class a day because some structure is often better than no structure
• time management will make or break you. it’s up to you to use your time wisely. get a planner or notebook to write all your assignments down. during syllabus week, write all the big deadlines (exams, papers, projects) in a calendar. try to get most of your work done during the day so that you’re flexible in the evenings if friends want to hang. make it a habit to be asleep by midnight during the week.
• keep in mind that how you present yourself in class is how others will form their opinion of you, which kinda sucks but it’s very true. so if you’re thinking about running for a prestigious position, but your classmates get the vibe that you don’t take your studies seriously they won’t take you seriously.

LIVING

communal living really isn’t so bad, at least not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. it is what you make it and if nothing else, you’ll end up with some good stories!

• go to your floor events if you live in a dorm. your RA’s spend time planning those and it’s a great way to meet people on your floor
• clean up after yourself. wipe your toothpaste out of the sink, take your hairballs out of the shower drain, you know the basics. and if you spew chunks after a rough night, at least try to aim for the toilet bowl. toilet>trashcan when possible because the smell won’t linger.
• respect quiet hours. coming home drunk at 2am and yelling down the hallways and slamming doors is a great way to make enemies. so glad you had fun bestie but some of us have to be up at 5:30am for a 12+ hour shift!!!
• don’t live with your bestfriend and don’t live with someone from high school.
• be careful about smoking in your room. sometimes you can get away with it, but other times you’ll be written up and we don’t need that drama.
• bring a fan
• set a timer for your laundry for the love of god

DEPAUW

• the Asiago bagels, chef’s kiss
• Hoover omelets can cure just about any hangover
• use your leftover swipes at the c-store!!!
• get your resume reviewed at the hubbard center
• Myers is a super cheap lunch option if you’re tired of Hoover
• buckle down and grind your work before Monon week, no one wants to stop the party to write a paper
• if you’re broke and have a meal plan–plan dinners at the Duck w/ friends
• if you have a solid idea of your major(s)/minor(s), plan your distribution credits wisely especially if you plan to go off-campus at some point. try to kill two or three birds with one stone when possible
• get to Julian early if you want a classroom, depending on the day they tend to fill up by 7-8pm
• have multiple study spots, the lights are off in Julian on weekends which makes studying in the atrium pretty dreary
• don’t judge someone based on their Greek affiliation (or lack thereof), it’s easy to get caught up in stereotypes and all that but there are great (and not so great) people in every house.
• be cognizant of how small DePauw actually is, word spreads like wildfire and your reputation (whether you care or not) will stick with you
• just say hi to people you run into on campus, don’t be weird
• know how the scheduling system works and use it to your advantage, it sucks to not get into any of your primary choice courses
• walk the alleyways when walking home from the frats
• humbert has a study lounge by the laundry room, use it!
• “work hard, party harder” speaks for itself
• do an academic challenge
• prime hammocking spots=bowman park and the labyrinth area near the soccer field
• grind culture is so toxic and everyone falls victim at some point, you don’t have to be doing the most constantly to make the most of undergrad. it shouldn’t be a competition to see who can pull off the best GPA while being involved in the most extracurriculars and landing the most prestigious opportunities.
• depauw can be clique-y and popularity shouldn’t be a thing, but in a way it is. don’t get caught up in it.
• don’t get stuck in the hoover line behind the XC/track team
• this sounds borderline weird but if you see someone around campus you think is cute, ask around about them! i mean, don’t approach a stranger and breach the topic but chances are someone’s circle overlaps with theirs and you can sus ’em out.
• Casey’s=promised land
• accept that if you hookup with someone, you’ll run into them all the time or probably have classes together. prepare accordingly. it’s only awkward if you make it awkward, but ghosting them doesn’t help things either.
• check out the archives! there’s so much cool depauw history to learn about, and the archives has all of it! once roy opens up again, go up to the second floor and look through all the old yearbooks.

love u more

mack

So anyways, I realize this post is 12 days late and maybe it’s irrelevant now. Better late than never.

2020 took me for a ride, and it seems like 2021 is starting off even weirder. My best friend said it best, my life is like a reality TV show at times. So the “21 lessons I learned in 2021” post will be a real showstopper apparently.

These are things that I wish I knew heading into 2020. I learned the hard way, so maybe I’ll save you some trouble. Or not, I vouch that trouble is just part of character development.

BONUS: It’s never too late to reflect.

1. Hurt people hurt people.
2. How two lane roundabouts actually work.
3. Self-reflection is an extremely underrated yet paramount skill to have and to engage in daily.
4. Breaking generational trauma/healing is so hard and something that a lot of people don’t see, but it will benefit you in the long run.
5. If you’re even somewhat money-conscious, paying for your own gym membership can be a source of motivation in itself.
6. It’s perfectly acceptable to be a bitch, just not all the time and for no good reason. Have a reason and stand up for yourself dammit, you can’t expect other people to have your best interest. Stop being a pushover.
7. Sometimes you are the bad guy in someone’s story, but you can’t get too caught up in how your actions (which are hopefully truly benefitting you) negatively affect others.
8. If you don’t ask the answer is always no. Again, stand up for yourself.
9. Know the difference between a true guy friend and a guy friend who has other intentions. Guys don’t always perceive the friendzone as their destination, it’s more of a right of passage to lead to more.
10. Know when it’s time to leave. Leave the party, leave the person, leave the job. If the shoe fits…
11. Multiple streams of income are always a good idea.
12. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there is someone out there that you’ll meet on a whim and you’ll instantly feel the same level of comfort and ease. You’ll feel the smallest twinge of hope again.
13. When entering a situationship, honesty and transparency upfront (both with yourself and your partner) is key.
14. Take the saying “if they wanted to, they would” with a grain of salt. How many times did you want to do something but you didn’t follow through?
15. Go to bed early. Don’t even give the 2am loneliness a chance.
16. Use the Pomodoro technique when you have a lot of homework, especially papers/projects.
17. Roster dating isn’t for everyone. It’s perfectly okay to just date one person at a time. It doesn’t mean you’re lame or that you couldn’t have options if you wanted to. Your time is precious and you don’t need to waste it on multiple partners.
18. However, a hoe phase never hurt nobody. But you didn’t hear it from me!
19. Just shoot your shot with someone. Rejection isn’t the worst thing in the world. YOLO
20. You’ll never regret a workout.

XO

MACK

Hiiiiii guysssss.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to reach out after reading my last blog. It meant A LOT, especially since I was so worried about how the topic would be received. *hugs*

Okay onto the playlist.

I made this on Spotify because it’s the superior music streaming app (sorry Apple Music lovers). So you can just get it there if you want, my username is noodles1116! (I don’t want to talk about the username, it’s circa-2015 and I thought I was so qUiRkY) If you don’t have Spotify, then idk add these songs to your own fall playlist.

Everyone loves a song that reminds you of daylight savings, coming inside to a toasty warm house after a walk in the chilly October air, and crunchy leaves. So these are some tunes that I associate with the fall time, and ones that I can listen to while I walk around campus acting like the main character (so quirky, lolz).

noodles1116

Landslide – Fleetwood Mac

Patience – The Lumineers

Beige – Yoke Lore

Robbers – The 1975

Sleep On The Floor – The Lumineers

I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) – The 1975

Supercut – Lorde

England – The National

Happiness is a butterfly – Lana Del Rey

Mr Loverman – Ricky Montgomery

September Song – Agnes Obel

Godspeed – Frank Ocean

Drunk on Halloween – Wallows

Skinny Love – Bon Iver

Be My Mistake – The 1975

This Side of Paradise – Coyote Theory

Heather – Conan Gray

Take Me to Church – Hozier

Like Real People Do – Hozier

Work Song – Hozier

Hymn – Bjéar

All Your’n – Tyler Childers

Lady May – Tyler Childers

Nose on the Grindstone (OurVinyl Version) – Tyler Childers

The Way I Loved You – Taylor Swift

Beauty – The Shivers

Still – The Japanese House

Medicine – Daughter

The End of Love – Florence + The Machine

8TEEN – Khalid

Coaster – Khalid

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths

Leaving My Love Behind – Lewis Capaldi

You – The 1975

Remembering Sunday – All Time Low

Heaven – Khalid

Looking for Knives – DYAN

Call If You Need Me – Vance Joy

Past Life – Maggie Rogers

Dumb Stuff – LANY

Feathered Indians – Tyler Childers

Nobody Knows – The Lumineers

Colder Weather – Zac Brown Band

Cherry Flavoured – The Neighborhood

Saw You In A Dream – The Japanese House

Hurts Like Heaven – Coldplay

Shrike – Hozier

Light On (Acoustic) – Maggie Rogers

You Ruined the 1975 (Lofi Remix) – Koy

If This Was A Movie – Taylor Swift

All Too Well – Taylor Swift

Kilby Girl – The Backseat Lovers

Runaway – AURORA

Cover Me Up – Morgan Wallen

Daddy Issues – The Neighborhood

Better Views – Yellow House

Slow It Down – The Lumineers

Single – The Neighborhood

watch you sleep. – girl in red

Anyways,,

l8r sk8rs

MACK

If by the slimmest chance this post finds Yeezus or his team, no copyright pls. I am a busted college student and needed a catchy title for this blog. Everyone open your Spotify and stream KIDS SEE GHOSTS. As if I need to worry about Kanye finding my blog, but you know a girl can dream.

Now that that’s been taken care of…I can get on with life. So basically, I was purging my 30 drafts on file (yes 30, it’s not all sh*ts and giggles behind the scenes) and I found this one from over a year ago when I was CLEARLY in my feels. But I liked it because it was honest work and it’s my kind of writing. There’s a sense of a detachment phase that comes during your freshman year of college, or there SHOULD BE. I know many people who didn’t experience this phase and still go home every weekend like they never left. To each their own, but I personally think it limits some areas of growth. I’ve realized that whether we like it or not, our hometowns shape us and we’ll always be tied to it in a way.

I’ve realized that you don’t just get to uproot yourself. My roots still belong in drive-by RC in the middle of a cornfield. My home is what shaped me. The people are what shaped me. I grew up roaming the streets of my town without a care in the world. I played outside with the neighborhood kids until my dad yelled out the screen door that we had to come inside. In a way, a part of me will always be on the block of Day Street. It’s my family’s block. Just ask my sister, she’s on the verge of living in like six houses on our block HAHA. I’ve lived in three now. My grandma lives on our block. I remember a few years ago, walking the same stretch of asphalt towards the cornfield, I wondered how many times I had followed the same path. I imagined my grandparents strolling down the same stretch. I felt the safe feeling of holding my dads hand as we walked down to my grandparents’ house. I imagined my mom walking in the same spots that I walked before RC wasn’t her life anymore. I pictured my grandpa walking down to my house for my birthday parties before he passed away. I remembered learning to ride my bike without training wheels with my dad standing on the end by the stop sign, waiting to catch me. And I know the exact spot that I crashed and burned for the first time. I remembered how the street used to be littered with walnuts until our neighbors chopped down the walnut tree. Trying to sled during the icy wintertime. Watching my dad tinkering in the garage from across the street. Racing to the stop sign to determine the fastest kid on the block. Frying an egg on the asphalt on one of the hottest Indiana summer days. Hauling candy home from trick or treating in my bumblebee costume. Dripping blue BugJuice down my shirt all the way home from the gas station. So much life occurred on the 100 ft asphalt strip and no one seemed to realize. Life has literally come and gone like it was nothing. Who really knows what Day Street has witnessed.

I had never been the kid that was so desperate to leave RC and Indiana. I liked Indiana. I enjoyed small town life and I didn’t understand why people wanted to leave. Well, now I get it. I know there is more to life than RC, and I feel bad for the people that can’t seem to get out. But RC will always be home. The people will always be home. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to grow up in my town and to have such a strong sense of community. I went home last weekend since it was my first weekend I was able and because it was my birthday weekend. I went to the football game on Friday. Coming home for the first time from college is straight up WEIRD. I talked with my friends’ parents and realized how much I had missed seeing them on a weekly basis. I saw family friends that I missed catching up with whenever I ran into them around town. I watched a good ol’ Pioneer football game with the sun setting on the cornstalks surrounding the field. The canon went off more than 7 times, followed by the harmony of the moms’ cowbells. The same blowout game except different boys were wearing my friends’ jerseys.

I saw ghosts. The ghosts of upperclassmen graduated years past. The ghosts of friendships that grew apart after freshmen year. The ghosts of the boys I’d eagerly wait for after the game. The ghost of myself in my spirit wear for the night’s theme, surrounded by my best friends. The ghost of what used to be.

I spoke with some friends that are still in high school and realized how simple high school really was. To all you seniors, I know how hard it seems. I struggled big big big time. But I also know that you don’t get it back because even things you don’t think will change or people you don’t think will leave you- they will. Soak it in. Realize you will never get these moments back. But also realize that college is a ride! Don’t be that person who peaks in high school and is practically still going there. Pioneer doesn’t belong to me anymore, bless up. I left a part of myself there, and now I have nothing to tie me back there except ghosts. In this life, we keep moving forward. Hopefully by the time I graduate, I’ll find myself in a position where I don’t have to move into a house on my family’s block and instead I can be boujee in NYC or become a hermit in New Mexico. You know, just something slight.

Things are different now. The neighborhood kids grew up and left and got married and are having babies. Their houses were filled by a new generation of neighborhood kids. Now, my little sister rides her bike up and down my street. (And might possibly crash in the same spot I did, who knows) My nephew and niece hang out with their neighborhood friends. Some things don’t change, even if the people do. Day Street doesn’t belong to me anymore. RC doesn’t belong to me anymore. And I’m not a homebody any longer; in fact, I avoid coming home if at all possible. Nonetheless, I still am hit with that wave of nostalgia every time I look towards the cornfield at the end of the street.

In the wise words of Hannah Montana…”you’ll always find your way back home.”

Again, this was written a year ago when I was still in a transition stage. It’s interesting to see how your perspective changes over time, huh?

XO

MACK :)))))

Been awhile.

Last time we talked it was all about my best friends.

They’re great and all but the spotlight is back on me now.

Life is looking a little differently for me since I last posted. So let’s get into it and I’ll tell you all about my life updates (as if you care, right?)

As I type this, I’m sitting in my single room in Alpha Chi Omega with this song blasting (https://youtu.be/zIua9fu8Y8o). Some things you should know to catch up with your favorite wanna-be cool blogger:

• I’m really loving the youtube videos of songs where it’s like “[song] but it’s raining” or [song] but you aren’t ready to say goodbye” or “[song] but it’s even sadder.” Basically songs that are 1. slowed down 2. have rain sounds in the background 3. set the scene for me.
• Cal and I are back, baby. Yeah the one that inspired “Raw”, yeah THAT Cal. You heard it hear first folks. (or from my Instagram). I always judged girls who went back to their exes, and I think it’s always seen as a taboo and shameful thing because usually it doesn’t work out AGAIN. But I have to say, I think we’ve both been in awe at how much stronger and just so much better our relationship is now. During the ~7 months we were apart/on and off, we did a lot of growing up and growing into ourselves. I can say proudly that Cal makes me want to be a better person. He is too pure and well-intentioned for this world. Being apart and doing long distance is already hard, but it’ll be okay this time around. I think I found a good one, definitely will report back if anything changes though. Enough gushing about Cal, back to me.

• I’m a dog mom! I know all dogs are cute. But mine is the cutest, maybe I’m biased or whatever. Readers meet Wren. Excuse my flair for the dramatic, but the planets really did align for a stray wiener dog to come strolling through my neighborhood. We never found her original owners so I snatched her for myself. We think she was a little neglected and maybe dumped because she had and still has some ailments. For starters, all but three of her teeth were rotten and infected so I basically own a toothless but so snuggly wiener dog. Wren is my pride and joy, 100%.

• I officially (well not officially because I haven’t signed the form) decided my college major. *drumroll*…english writing! But not in the starving-artist-moves-to-NYC-and-wears-black-turtlenecks-with-tortoiseshell-glasses way. More in a creative/storytelling element. I’m hoping to couple it with my Media Fellows program. POV: storytelling through a lens (?).
• I had my first official job over the summer. Thanks to COVID, my local hospital hired college students to screen patients and escort them to their doctors’ offices. Having to repeat “Have you had a COVID test in the past 30 days? Has anyone in your household been tested in the past 30 days? Have you had any symptoms like fever, cough, shortness of breath, vomiting, or diarrhea?” like 100 times a day isn’t the most glamorous summer job especially considering that I don’t want to know patients’ pooping history, but it could always be worse. And the pay was great, too.
• Lastly, I moved back to campus in my sorority house yesterday. My AC unit was installed earlier today or else I probably would be hiding in the ice machine rather than writing this blog. With AC, my own room, a best friend as a neighbor, and a seemingly endless supply of snacks, what more could a girl want? (Aside from a limitless gift card to Free People?) Classes start on Monday, and I am in such a great mindset. Fall semester is going to be my b*tch.

Masks up Hoosiers (and all other US inhabitants)

MACK

i’m a huge simp for my home team.

Before coming to college, I thrived on spending my free time alone. Maybe that was because I was forced to spend 7+ hours with people that wouldn’t necessarily be my first choice of accompaniment. Nonetheless, I’ve discovered since being in college that I prefer to spend my free time with my people. The ones whose energy doesn’t drain me but instead makes me feel safe and whole. I learned in my winter term class which is about happiness and how to lead a flourishing life that meaningful relationships are the most important factor, besides purpose, in an individual’s happiness. So here I am with a friend group that has never been better.

This post is inspired by a bro (Nick) who hypothetically asked me what i would say at his funeral. And so i texted his “eulogy” back to him. In reality, it caught me off guard. then again, not unusual when talking to him. I realized that it was a great idea. Eulogies are usually where people recap the deceased’s best qualities and they dote on how great of a person they were. Well i’m not going to wait until my friend’s have hit their expiration date to dote on them. Change these tributes to past tense and you’ll get a eulogy.

look everybody—nick and i’s friendship is a solid example of how people are brought into your life at the right time (cheesy i know). he kept it real and was the kind of guy that wasn’t just all talk but the kind where you could tell they meant what they said and could back it up. he wasn’t afraid to be blunt and to skip over small talk which i respected immensely. he was raw and real and my homie. hella funny but hella deep. my kinda person all in one. and that’s nick folks *mic drop*

nick’s eulogy through iMessage

Alas, this blog post was reinvented. I say reinvented because it’s been sitting in my drafts since January, untouched, because I just didn’t know how to do it and I didn’t want to force it. Though the written word seems to have a permanent vibe, it can be redrafted. Over & over & over. So as long as my friends are breathing they’re evolving and so are the ways in which i admire them. These tributes are for the here and now, subject to change in time. Breathing eulogies for breathing beloveds.

LEX

“she’s beauty, she’s grace, she’s Miss United States”

Let’s be honest, Miss USA has nothin’ on my OG. Throwing it back to third grade Student Council. We became bros and the first sleepover ensued. Since then, our friendship has ebbed and flowed yet has been consistent at the same time. She saw me through my social awkwardness in elementary school, saw me struggle through junior high as all young teens do, saw me glide through high school (best office assistants/vb pepper partners? i think yes), and now she’s by my side as I moonwalk through my messy late-teens/early twenties, helping me try to find myself. Nothing goes unshared between us. even with her at IUPUI and me at DePauw, we still manage to be best friends. I don’t get to watch The Bachelor with her on Monday nights or eat breakfast with her like I do with my other friends. And i wish i could because i miss her while we’re at school. But i’m just happy to have the privilege to be the one she can FaceTime with updates on her week or a good rant session. And i snapchat her probably twenty times a day, oops. She gives some of the best advice and is one of the wisest/most mature 18 year olds i know. The manner in which she carries herself is impeccable. Elegant, most of the time. Classy yet not afraid to get trashy. I’d say the world isn’t ready for her, but she’s already mentally there. She’s so responsible and driven, it’s refreshing. Maybe disciplined is the word, but obviously not in a drill sergeant way. I love a person who keeps it real with me and can be honest even when i’m not honest with myself. Her perspective on life is cherished by many. Many times her opinion is valued over many others. Being with Lex is a safe space for me. i am my true self (for better or for worse) with her. I’ve spent countless nights at the Robinson household (really just to visit her mom aha). Our souls are made of the same stuff. She is undoubtedly my person. And i would not hesitate to get her handwriting tattooed on me either.

RACHEL

Another OG who saw me from elementary school to my current position. Even though she lives in FL now and we’re essentially on different paths of life, my homegirl is only a phone call away. It’s hard to stay in the loop with each other because we are so far away, but we still exchange some crazy stories. My life is better knowing that somewhere down south, Rachel Miller is there. Just knowing that a pure spirit like her is out there is comforting to me. Rach is my crazy girl. I will always be her cheerleader. A true girl boss, she inspires me everyday w her crazy endeavors whether it’s planning a nine month mission trip, moving to FL spontaneously, or becoming an online fitness coach. I have never doubted her because she makes things happen. I remember she came home last august to pack her things to move to Florida and she casually mentioned that she had a goal to run a half marathon. i only bat an eye because this was coming from the girl who absolutely despised running. But i knew if she made a goal she’d get it done. And she did. Even though she’s super motivated, she’s also super fun. Ditsy? of course. But it’s one of the reasons why i love her. She’s my go-to girl for any spontaneous idea. For any indy blue fans out there, Rach is Courtney Hill’s soul sister, no doubt in my mind.

EDDIE

the one and only. the guy who dubbed Reagan and I “Renegade and Noodles” during a late night excursion to local hole in the wall, Marvin’s. to sum up eddy and i’s friendship: sad music (specifically lewis capaldi), introversion, asiago bagels, wiener dogs, and a whole lot of laughter. We discovered a mutual love for The Lumineers and the rest is history. I guess when you spend four weeks together and two of those weeks in a foreign country, you get pretty close. Eddie was BR 223’s fourth roommate and i almost petitioned to get him card access so i wouldn’t have to trek downstairs to let him in all the time. He’s the wittiest person i know and i can always count on him to make me laugh. Also this is my moment to clarify– WE AREN’T A COUPLE! just best friends. respect the iconicity, pls and thank you.

He’s blue– melancholic and calm with sad indie music playing in the background. But sometimes he’s lime green–awake and alive and when i’m with lime green eddie, it feels like i can do anything. We are on top of the world, and i love life a little bit more everytime. That’s my favorite aspect of him, i regard his moods with a sense of reverence. When he sends me a song on spotify, i listen to it immediately because I know it will be my next favorite. I brag about eddie to everyone i know and i know people are like “okay this guy can’t live up to the hype.” Yet everyone that meets him loves him. I like to think that i have great taste in people, subtle flex. He’s intelligent and i think he knows what he wants out of life which i appreciate because i take this wild ride one hairpin turn at a time. Now, we’re taking on DePauw one Hoover meal, crowning of which one of us is “DePauw’s Biggest Tragedy”, and impulsive decision at a time. Keep up with our journey to becoming DePauw’s most iconic and inseparable duo. We are kindred spirits for sure.

RUBI

Rubi is one of those friends that you can count on even if you hadn’t really hung out in a while. A few weeks ago, I had a high fever and felt super sick. And who offered to go to the doctor with me at like 8:30 p.m.??? Rubi. She has the best stories too. She travels a lot, has been to i don’t know how many countries. So obviously she has some great substance to tell. I met the Jonas Brothers with her. How, you ask? Get this, she’s somehow related to Nick Jonas’ wife, Priyanka. Crazy, i know. Rubi is somewhat mysterious, with a past that only presents itself in small pieces. but she’s loyal as ever with a good head on her shoulders. Did i mention she’s crazy smart? a STEM goddess, my reading/writing mind is envious. She’s my cheerleader, and i can’t thank her enough. (also one of the ‘Nut’s biggest fans) She’s a girl boss and pursues opportunity like no other. Rubi went to Ecuador this past January with the Timmy Global Health program! So basically if she doesn’t end up a doctor, we’ll all be working for her in one way or another, mark my words.

REAGAN

Shoutout to Reagan (aka Renegade), she has to live with me for another four months ahahaha.* (yeah so I THOUGHT) But really, having your roommate as one of your best friends makes college living so much easier. If the walls of BR 223 could talk…well let’s just be glad they can’t. ha kidding. Those walls would describe evening rants about the kinds of things only teenage girls know about and those rants would be met with open minds and listening ears and a full heart. They’d talk about how many times she walked in on me completely naked while i was changing. Sorry bout that, bad timing. Midnight easy mac. A LOT of crying sessions. Tooooo many rice cakes. Some ~interesting~ visitors. And they’d see a sad goodbye on March 14. (spoiler i ugly cried the first hour driving home) We won’t ever be roommates again because we’re in different sororities (KKG, pls accept my application as an honorary member). Our season of life is over (peep me tearing up as i write this) but i am so glad i got as much time as i did.

Now onto more important things–who’s supposed to eat my yellow starbursts?? Whenever someone *asks about my roommate, I go on like a five minute tangent about how lucky I got. Reagan is pure human sunshine. Anyone who knows her or has met her will agree. I made her model for me a few times so i could work on photography with a DSLR that I would check out from our media program (pro tip- why buy when you can rent for free?) My girl can WORK a photoshoot. her looks are a lot like her personality. she’s naturally pretty, the kind that can wake up after a restless night or panting at the finish line of a 5k and still look great. She’s real, not fake in any way. If Reagan was a song she’d be “Sunflower” by Rex Orange County. Don’t ask me why, she just is. She has a heart of gold and deserves the world; hopefully she realizes it soon. “It’s Wednesday my dude” hits different now, Renegade.

*proof that I started this a while ago-when I thought I’d be leaving campus in a packed car in May, oof

ANI

Speaking of hearts of gold, my girl Ani embodies it well. We met through Servicio too. Ani was actually my first “friend” in Servicio. Seeing as she lived down the hall, it’s only fitting that she be known as BR 223’s third roommate. How convenient to send a text saying “come over” and hear the same knock at the door within seconds. She’s spunky as hell and will not hesitate to throw hands for any of her friends. Her love is deep and fierce, she’s definitely a mama bear. Ani’s spirit is contagious and she is light. To go along with her spunk is an unbreakable spirit. She’s been through hell and back yet she does it in a graceful way from which i can only hope to learn. She’s a “real strong woman” and also my new sorority sister (what up alpha chi)! When you’re around Ani, you can’t help but admire her (and her insane hair–really, it’s like something you’d expect from a Disney princess but like a cool one, like Merida from Brave). I remember during one of our deep talks, she said that she struggled with vulnerability. Though i didn’t say anything, i was so shocked. This girl was the most open (even if indirectly) and all-in person ever. Her presence wraps you up in a bear hug and makes you feel like everything will be okay, even if its not at the moment. When she came into my life, she was a game changer in all of my relationships. Ani makes me feel okay to talk about the hard things. She lets me talk and talk about how i was feeling without trying to justify it. Because sometimes its enough to feel without trying to find the why. Hopefully she’ll be there on my wedding day, along with the other people in this blog. She taught me the power of idealization and how it can make or often times break you. The girl that supposedly struggles with vulnerability taught me how to be vulnerable.

With all this being said, if you made it this far i encourage you to dote on your friends a little bit. Especially in the current times where i hope you’re social distancing. And for those long distance friends too or the ones you don’t always keep in touch with, give them some love too.

& i love you ❤️

MACK

I love rap as much as the next wannabe-cool teenage white girl but sometimes, it just doesn’t hit. Doesn’t capture the way I’m feeling. So here are some songs that I listen to when I wanna catch a different kinda vibe. Songs to cry to, ones to play on a late-night road trip, ones to scream with the windows down, and then some more to throw a dorm dance party w/ ya friends. Enjoy or don’t. DONT CARE.

*Disclaimer: I really wanted to be extra and include every Lewis Capaldi song, but I limited myself.

*Another disclaimer: this isn’t a playlist. Or y’all would be all over the place.

• Call If You Need Me – Vance Joy
• Kilby Girl – The Backstreet Lovers
• Josslyn – Olivia O’Brien
• Doin’ Fine – Lauren Alaina
• Road Less Traveled – Lauren Alaina
• Best Friend – Rex Orange County
• All Too Well – Taylor Swift
• Tongue Tied – Grouplove
• Don’t Wanna Be Your Girl – Wet
• Panama – Quinn XCII
• Almost (Sweet Music) – Hozier
• The greatest – Lana del Rey
• My Body – Young the Giant
• Somebody To Love – OneRepublic
• Fallingwater – Maggie Rogers
• Past Life – Maggie Rogers
• Light On – Maggie Rogers
• Happiness – Rex Orange County
• 3 am – Halsey
• Sleep on the Floor – The Lumineers
• Just a Boy – The Backseat Lovers
• Hold Me While You Wait – Lewis Capaldi
• Headspace – Lewis Capaldi
• Don’t Get Me Wrong – Lewis Capaldi
• Better Together – Luke Combs
• Robbery – Juice WRLD
• Lucid Dreams – Juice WRLD
• Sad Forever – Lauv
• ILYSB (stripped) – LANY
• Remembering Sunday – All Time Low
• You Say – Lauren Daigle
• Oceans – Seafret
• Golf On TV – Lennon Stella
• Beige – Yoke Lore
• When You Look Me In The Eyes – Jonas Brothers
• Good Years – ZAYN
• Ribs – Lorde
• Heaven – Khalid
• Jordan Belfort – Wes Walker, Dyl
• Sunflower – Rex Orange County
• Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
• Twenty-Somethings – Judah & the Lion

(still don’t care)

MACK

Hiiiii, me again. Long time no see. And there’s a reason for that. Most of my posts aren’t planned, and I don’t write on any certain day. I just write when I feel like I need to get things out of my head. But I am also a recovering perfectionist/overachiever so it’s hard to live up to the expectations that I set for myself. “Raw” was real and straight from the heart and probably my favorite post so far. And I don’t think I can top it, not that I should even have to top it. So even with all the craziness that’s been bouncing around in my head for like the past three months, I could never bring myself to sort out what I wanted to even say. But I decided my hiatus is over, no matter how sloppy this comeback is 🙂 I want to talk about a lot of things.

First off, I want to talk about life, particularly the cycle of highs and lows. I’ve noticed within the past couple of years that I tend to go through periods of time where I feel sad and anxious for what seems like no reason. I go numb. I make impulsive decisions to feel some surge of energy. I go through the motions most of the time. It’s like the world as I know it is drained of color. The vibrant yellows are replaced with dusty gold. It’s kinda scary because I don’t know when I’ll be back to “normal”, and it’s really frustrating because I just want to feel happy again. Not a fake happy, but a lasting happy. Truly happy.

Though I do have my “depressive episodes”, the happy episodes are there too. That’s when you wake up ready to take on the world and you feel a lil pep in your step. It just seems like you’re looking at life through a clear lens.

In between the happy and the sad lies the normal. I learned that people actually have a rebound rate. So after a really high moment like getting married or a low moment like being diagnosed with cancer, your mood always stabilizes to the same level, unless you factor in pleasure which is a whole other factor that I’m not going to talk about. Knowing this makes things a little easier. It’s temporary.

I don’t think people talk about cycles like that frequently enough. And no matter what you think, no one has their sh*t together.

Switching to another tangent now. I’ve also been trying to embrace my youth and what often accompanies youth: confusion and recklessness. I’m nineteen and a half on Wednesday. That’s it. I know I’m going to do dumb things with my dumb friends. I’m going to hurt people and get hurt in the process of this crazy lil thang called life. Sometimes, we’re the bad person in someone else’s story. I’ll inevitably break my own heart because apparently I’m naive. I don’t know what I want to do with my life at all. I don’t even know what I want to do next week. I have no clue what I want to major in, and I’m slowly discovering that some things that I thought were made for me, actually weren’t. I’m slowly learning and accepting that all of this is quite okay. I honestly, truly do not know what I want in my life right now and maybe I don’t even know what’s best for me at the moment. But I’m flying by the seat of my pants and living through the bullsh*t now. Because guess what? I don’t want to be working a miserable job, married with three kids and not know what I want from my life. I won’t get to be like this down the road. I have full faith in how the universe plays out (not to sound cheesy or anything), but I know that even if I’m dazed and confused now, everything will fall into place. With some personal effort, of course. Even though I really am having a time with some things now, especially since classes have started, I still am grateful to have the opportunity to live and thrive while I still can.

We all have those moments kid. It’s OKAY to NOT be okay. I promise. It sucks to feel nothing but it sucks to feel anything. It sucks to be tied down, but it sucks to be searching for someone. We all want something other than what we have and until you learn to live in the moment and be content with what you have, that constant search for SOMETHING is going to drive you insane. Trying to find validation of yourself in anyone but yourself is like an emotional rollercoaster.

the realest, my bff since third grade, Lex

The people in my life are my absolute favorite things ever. I’m so passionate about people. If you’re reading this please please please play 21 (or more) questions with me! Or the favorites game. FaceTime me. Snap me. My friends mean the world to me, and I’m so blessed to have people that will love me, support me, and listen to me say “it be like that sometimes” on a daily basis. Though it’s hard to spend time with some of them because of distance/other circumstances, I can still feel the love through the phone. Long distance friendships suck, but some bonds just hit differently. I’d do anything for my bros. Surrounding myself with people who truly care about me, and constantly show up for me (even though they’re on my a** a lot) has been the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. Healthy relationships? “Ohhhh say lessss.”

Talking about being numb and not feeling like yourself is really difficult, at least for me. I had never really known what to say or how to describe what I was feeling let alone WHY. I remember crying to my mom one day and she kept asking what was wrong. When I didn’t have an answer, she was worried which worried me. I tried to talk to other people about this, searching for someone to say “Oh my gosh, you too??” with no luck. Until I came to college and one of my friends described the same situation. And then I was the one saying “Wait, you too?” I wasn’t crazy after all. Sometimes we just feel what we feel, and that’s that.

So I’m hoping you didn’t read this and think I’m crazy or that my mental health is suffering. It’s not. I’m actually in a good place, relatively speaking. When you feel things so so deeply, it’s absolutely draining; hence the numbness. It’s a biological defense mechanism. I’m not depressing to be around (I mean I think I’m pretty fun) and I don’t burden my relationships with my baggage. But then again, I shouldn’t have to justify my mental health. Everyone goes through the cycles of life, maybe differently, but it’s not a taboo thing. Let’s talk about it more, mmmmkay?

I know that it be like that sometimes

But know that it won’t be like that all the time

ILYSB — I LOVE YOU SO BAD

MACK 😇