I dedicate this blog post to basically everyone in the world, but more specifically, to the ones in my life. Everyone goes through heartbreak in some form or another; for some of us, it’s hitting hard right now. To everyone who has loved and been loved, with nothing to show but nostalgic memories and scarred hearts, this one’s for you. A raw post about raw feelings.

“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak. Healing is messy. There is no timeline for healing.”

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Let’s start with my story. After an almost two year relationship with my high school sweetheart, I found myself at DePauw with a new aspect to my identity, one I had once reveled in and appreciated: single. Though we deemed the breakup to be mutual, I felt blindsided. I knew deep down that it was best for both of us. Constant fighting was taking a toll on us as we were trying to adjust to life at our different colleges. I can honestly say I have never felt such pain in my 19 years on this Earth. Dramatic? Maybe, but it’s true. I had never cried so passionately or felt an emotion so whole-heartedly.

After my breakup, my ex and I pretty much cut each other out of our lives completely. No contact whatsoever. Almost three months later, we saw each other for the first time. During those three months, I worked on healing myself. And up until yesterday, I was convinced I was 100% healed. Heart whole again. No soft spots, I was unbothered. I was perfectly fine, thriving even. It was awkward at first, but somehow we ended up sitting on a couch at a party talking for hours. Save for the emotional moments, it was normal. We laughed like we used to. We talked about how we’ve been since the breakup. I remember my ex shaking his head, saying “It’s still raw.” And I realized that indeed, it IS still raw. We’re three months removed from our relationship, but it still hurts. And it should hurt. It’s supposed to hurt. But it’s a different kind of hurt, speaking for myself. It’s not the acute, feel-it-in-my-chest, can’t-even-breathe type of hurt, but rather a deep yearning for the familiarity and the comfort. I miss what we had and I miss him not even as a lover, but just as a person and a best friend. He’s dope as hell. But things are different now. We’ve dubbed ourselves the “cool exes” because we’re that headass. Seeing him brought up some mixed feelings, but I know it’s just a small hiccup in my healing path. I look back at how far I’ve come and I HAVE to be proud of myself. No one else battled those demons for me.

When we go through a breakup, we grieve. We grieve months afterward. We go through the old pictures on a loop, zooming in on the smiling faces thinking “Where did I go wrong? Why can’t we be happy like this again?” We stalk social media and hope that each time we get a notification, their name will be highlighted. We go through withdrawals. Love is a helluva drug. I even went through the withdrawal of not texting someone all day. My phone was like the Sahara Desert for a few days. Heartbreak is god awful and it seems like life can’t possibly continue. I remember calling my mom and my sister in tears several times. What about my poor roommate who had to hold me as I bawled and wondered why I wasn’t good enough? It was so hard to be going through something that was so big at the time almost entirely alone. But I sought out others to support me and who would let me talk about it. And every time I talked, it got easier. And then I got my closure from my ex and started filling in the gaps he left. I surrounded myself with my friends who were so willing to pour their love into me. I joined clubs at school and started working out again. Please know that I know how hard it is, and so does almost everyone else on this planet. That being said, don’t allow anyone to diminish your hurt. Accept your emotions and feel them with every ounce of your being. Time heals, but it doesn’t heal if you choose to ignore the wound. It’s really just a matter of getting through each day until you don’t have to trudge through every hour. One day, you wake up and you’re ready to bounce back. But no one gets to tell you how long to grieve.

I didn’t write this to broadcast my struggle. It’s really hard to be so vulnerable online, but this site is my journal. I wrote it with the intent of helping the people that I know are having a time with their love life. I want it to be relatable so you understand that you aren’t alone even though it seems like you’re the only one who is struggling. Tried not to make it cheesy or cliche.

Whenever I would call my mom in hysterics, she’d always remind me that I’m not the first person to experience heartbreak and that the first is always the worst. A piece of advice-don’t settle, don’t lose yourself in someone else, don’t stay with someone just because you’re comfortable, and lastly, don’t text your ex.

So, this one is for you. The one who tries self-medicating in any way possible. The one who still has dreams at night about the boy who never gave her a chance. The one who can’t seem to settle down after that one breakup. The one who’s still grieving almost six months later. The one who hooks up with boys she doesn’t know in the backseat of their cars. The one who finds validation on Tinder. The one who can’t give up on the person they love(d). I see you. And I hope you see me too.

With the love you deserve,

MACK ❤

What better way to start November than with some tunes that we can all vibe to while the leaves die and I start being late to commitments because I have to scrape ice off my car.

via GIPHY

Cue the jams.

And yes, I did add songs from the “After” soundtrack. Say what you will about the movie (I watched it twice in the same day) but the soundtrack hits hard, periodt.

(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life – Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes

Royals – Lorde

Ribs – Lorde

Fallingwater – Maggie Rogers

Light On – Maggie Rogers

My Body – Young the Giant

Past Life – Maggie Rogers

Back In My Body – Maggie Rogers

Alaska (Acoustic) – Maggie Rogers

Earned It – Bootstraps

Heaven – Khalid

California Dreamin’ – José Feliciano

Looking for Knives – DYAN

Something Borrowed – Lewis Capaldi

Bruises – Lewis Capaldi

Lust for Life (with The Weeknd) – Lana Del Rey, The Weeknd

Alive – Khalid

The Most – Miley Cyrus

Comeback – Jonas Brothers

Rollercoaster – Jonas Brothers

Hesitate – Jonas Brothers

When You Look Me In The Eyes – Jonas Brothers

Rollercoaster – Bleachers

Spacin Out – The Mowgli’s

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths

Sandcastles – Beyoncé

Remembering Sunday – All Time Low

Sweater Weather – The Neighborhood

Like Real People Do – Hozier

Cherry Wine (Live) – Hozier

Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran

Hum Hallelujah – Fall Out Boy

This is Gospel – Panic! At The Disco

All I Ever Wanted – Vance Joy

Call If You Need Me – Vance Joy

ILYSB (Stripped) – LANY

Shallow – Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper

Always Remember Us This Way – Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper

Blackout (Single Version) – Freya Ridings

like that – Bea Miller

Someone To You – BANNERS

Closer – Kings of Leon

I’m a Wanted Man – Royal Deluxe

Young God – Halsey

Complicated – Olivia O’Brien

Out of Love – Alessia Cara

Beige – Yoke Lore

Nostalgia – Tyler Shamy

Us – James Bay

Stay cool kids

MACK

Let’s take it back now y’all (one hop THIS TIME, righ-) no we aren’t going back to the cha cha slide blaring over the speakers in our high school cafeteria.

Instead we’re taking it back to a special memory of mine.

Allow me to set the scene. I’m on a private island smaller than a football field off the coast of Panamá. Really living, no flex. It’s nighttime and my group just finished playing a round of Sardines. One of my friends coerces me and my other friends to go “star tipping.”

I asked if that was anything like cow tipping. You can take the girl out of the Midwest but can’t take the Midwest out of the girl.

So there I am, an earbud in my left ear, the right in my BFF’s ear as Ed Sheeran’s “Castle on the Hill” plays. We had just made a Spotify playlist full of sad songs bc we share that personality aesthetic. “las horas de puta triste” type THAT one in google translate.

As Ed Sheeran’s voice plays, I’m watching this star tipping thing go down. Basically, you look up at the stars while spinning as fast as you can in a circle. Your friends count to 30 and then you stop immediately and they shine a flashlight in you face and try your hardest not to fall down. Odd I know, but so exhilarating.

I watched my friend demonstrate thinking at first what the HELL is this kid doing?? But then I laughed. And laughed some more. And I didn’t stop because I realized what did it even matter? I thought he was crazy at first but then I swear Ed Sheeran stopped serenading me, the world did a little blur in slow motion, and a little voice was like girl, you’re on a beach. At midnight-ish. With these people you’ve only known for less than a month yet you’ve survived a foreign country with them while speaking another language. You still have inhibitions?!

Then Ed sang again and the spectacle resumed. And I felt, dare I say it- joy. Complete unbridled JOY. The chorus began and you bet your grandma’s prized knitting needles I sang. No, I SCREAMED the lyrics with the waves crashing in the background. I looked up and noticed all the twinkling stars (twinkling bc I really had tears in my eyes, no cap). In rural Indiana, I see stars all the time, but not like this.

Suddenly, it was my turn to star tip. I was ready. I spun as fast as I could, mouth wide open in raucous laughter, as the stars blurred into white streaks against the black sky. I distinctly remember telling myself that I should hold on to this moment so tightly. To remember the powerful emotions. I closed my eyes and felt my toes stirring cool sand all over. My hair, probably unwashed, flopped this way and that. And when my friends yelled 30, I peered into blinding light and collapsed HARD into the sand on my butt.

I know while what is now just a memory for me, one that I’ve never shared, it was important to me. I felt so so alive. I wasn’t just going through the motions of daily life or operating on autopilot. I wasn’t just happy either. I have lots of daily happy moments and that’s not to take anything away from those moments and say they’re lessened because they’re common. No way. But I’m saying this was different. I was high on life (nothing else mom I swear!). I tried to make you people who are reading this (lol aka my sister and parents, maybe) feel what I felt. And I know that’s very hard to convey through a piece of writing.

Going forward in life, I’m chasing more moments like this. I’m young, and with youth comes (responsible, come on I said my family reads these things) recklessness. And I’m determined to make my life a montage of as many of those alive-moments as possible while muddled with everyday life of course. And that’s not to say everyday life shouldn’t be special. Big stan of romanticizing my life, it’s like my own movie.

With that being said, I hope my readers chase life and make it as grand and crazy as possible.

Life is a highway and I wanna ride it

MACK

PS- in my bag about music again. A playlist post to come??? I’ve got some good vibezzz on the way

Easy. I’m Mackenzie C. I’m Mack, Mac n Cheese, Macaroni, whatever my friends like to nickname me. I’m the girl with the cute bee tattoo! I’m the introverted girl, the one who leaves the party early when it isn’t doing anything for me. The girl who sends 7 texts in a row, obnoxious I know. My worst habit and nervous tick is popping my knuckles. I’m the girl who wishes they were more like Bridget from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but is actually more like Lena or Tibby. But who am I on a deeper level?

It seems like since I started college, I’ve really become more in-tune with myself. (how cliche I KNOWWW) Which is nice because I feel like I had lost myself in a sense, kinda like I’ve been in a fog. I really didn’t see myself clearly, didn’t see my self-worth. So now, buckle up kids because we’re taking this rollercoaster straight into my internal mess.

First and foremost, I have come to realize that I am ~reflective/self-aware~. What the heck does that mean? It means I constantly reflect on how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. I also know that I throw up a peace sign way more than what should be allowed. But anyways, I didn’t use to be so in tune with myself. Growing up, I struggled with basic communication skills. I would cry and most of the time I either wasn’t sure why I felt that way or I was not comfortable in explaining my emotions. Absolutely, I was one of those people who pushed down everything. I did NOT cry in front of people. I thought it made me weak and I hated being vulnerable. I was always the girl who had everything together, couldn’t risk being seen losing the pieces. I felt awkward when my friends would cry in front of me because even though I cared for them, I didn’t know how to handle the situation because I didn’t even know how to handle myself in the midst of a breakdown! I never emotionally developed until about sophomore year of high school I would say. I became a tad more comfortable crying in front of people. Then, I entered my first relationship. Really didn’t know what I got myself into. All of a sudden, I HAD to communicate about things that bothered me and things that made me happy, and I didn’t know how to do that! It was scary. Slowly but surely, I practiced and became comfortable with communicating. Go me.

So now, I can communicate better how I’m feeling to others and to myself. But because I’m so analytical towards myself and others, I overthink way too much. Honestly, I feel like this doesn’t apply to me so much anymore with my life. I don’t overthink so much about my personal future or stuff like that. Rather, it’s when I’m given a reason to overthink by other people. Not clear with your intentions? BOOM let the overthinking begin. I really will assume the worst. Maybe that’s my toxic trait. But it’ll go on a constant cycle until I finally bust and just need some honesty.

Speaking of honesty, it’s so so important to me. There is nothing that I hate more than a liar. Okay maybe there is but it’s way up there in the list. Everything slips at some point so it’s better to be straight up with me the first time 🙂 Trying to save my feelings and leave out the whole truth really is useless because then it’s like a double slap in the face when I find out the whole truth and then know that you lied about it. Or “withheld information from me.” Same thing. Stupid stupid. Don’t do me like that.

I know my worth now. I know when a situation is not serving me. I KNOW who I am. Hate to say it, I’m really not cocky, but I am a freaking catch. Yeah I’m shy and maybe awkward at first, but once I’m comfortable with you I neverrrr stop talking. I didn’t use to think I was that pretty, but now? Okay everyone has those days where they feel like they’re the scum of the Earth and I’m no exception lolll. Now I do think I’m pretty but I also know that I have so much more to offer than my looks. When I see a girl that I think is prettier than me, I remind myself that her looks don’t take away from me. And she’s not me. Don’t mean that in a bad way, I’m sure she has some great things to offer too. I know that I am intelligent. I’m supa dupa loyal to the ones I love. I think I’m pretty funny sometimes. I love to have a good time and goof around. One of my favorite things about myself is that I’m ambitious. Settling for life? Don’t know her. I really don’t just float around in life with no purpose. I don’t wait for life to come to me because I know it doesn’t work like that. Even if it’s small things, I make it happen. Or at least I convince myself that I do. That leads me into my other favorite thing about myself.

I am intentional. I purposefully engage in my life. In my relationships , I can’t speak for how others view me, but I think I treat them how I would like to be treated. I’m thoughtful about lots of things. And I think I’m extremely aware of how my actions affect other people or how they may be perceived by other people. Which is something that I don’t think a lot of people, at least at my age, possess. I know that I’m enough. I know that I deserve so much love. I really am *that girl* whether someone realizes it or not. I don’t need other people to think I’m cool when I know I’m cool in my own nerdy way. I’m deeply sentimental. And emotionally sensitive in the sense that when I feel an emotion I feel it ALL THE WAY. Those too can make for a rough combo. I’ve never welcomed change in my life. I actually feel sad when my birthday comes because I revel in the fact that I won’t ever be that age again. I cried when I started high school because I wouldn’t be in middle school anymore. (Who does that??) I didn’t cry when I had my first kiss. Of course I was happy! But I also realized that I could never get it back. I could never go back to the firsts. They already happened and I was worried the newness would rub off. Now my focus tends to be on the lasts because that season of life really isn’t coming back. The lasts may be worse than the firsts because sometimes you just don’t see the lasts coming. Did I mention I’m melodramatic? I like to see my life as a movie or a book because why not? It’s fun to romanticize life.

I know what people give me energy. My new friends at college are really a blessing. I’ve really met some of the sweetest people. Even though I’m still building relationships with some, they inspire me to be better. When I’m with them, I feel like light and am reminded of the good things in this world. Hey I’m living my 19th year of life, why take it so seriously?? My friends are so loving and caring for me. It’s like having them in my life makes me feel safe like I constantly am being hugged- figuratively, unless I do need a hug. They don’t think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do right now, and they try to understand and empower me. They lift me up without judgement when I feel insecure or anxious. Sometimes, we all just need someone to sit with us on our dorm floor while we cry our hearts out. Sometimes, we don’t need someone to give advice or anything like that, we just need someone to encourage us and understand our point of view. We don’t need someone to coo and tell us it’ll be okay in the end. Sure that’s nice and dandy, but it doesn’t do anything to acknowledge the pain we feel in the moment. We just need someone to listen!!! As humans, we need to feel love. And I’ve felt that love now. Even if my favorite love is gone, my friends will fill the void until I am whole again. I only hope that I can be as loving to them as they are to me.

Back to the whole self-aware thing. I lied. I’m not always aware of WHY I feel so crappy or why I seem to be sad for no good reason. But through dealing with various depressive episodes, I’ve realized that it’s okay to just feel like I’m scraping rock bottom without a reason. I cry and I isolate myself and feel absolutely numb. Scary, yeah? Yeah. And it’s scary for my loved ones because they’re worried. Especially because I truly don’t know what’s wrong with me. Not that anything has to be wrong with me to justify my feelings. My feelings are completely validated because they are entirely MINE. No one knows what it’s like inside my body so why should they get to tell me how to feel? It happens. But the feeling passes. And I am born again.

Born again. Reborn. What a mantra. And so perfect for me in my current season of life. Who am I? I just rediscovered myself. But I’ll have to discover myself all over again once I’m fully reborn. I’ll be better (at least that’s the goal lol :)) Manifesting it.

LOVE YALLLLLL

MACK ❤

Hey y’all, been a minute. A looong minute. Life has been crazy crazy the past few months. I’m about a month removed from Servicio, woo! What an experience, both good and bad. I feel like it stretched me as a person for sure, bless up.

Now I’m experiencing another stretching phase-college. Here I am, at DePauw. It’s been a few jam-packed days of freshman orientation and tomorrow we start classes YIKES. To say I’m nervous is an understatement.

I suppose college life is a little more difficulty navigate than I anticipated, at least for me in the social aspect. As an introvert, I don’t necessarily like people all the time which is a big issue when you’re forced to team build with your mentor group for like five days straight. And I’m shy. But I can be outgoing. Sometimes I surprise myself with how outgoing I can be honestly. But it comes and it goes and when it goes, it’s hard to face. Nobody likes to feel like an outcast. Actually, I’ve met quite a number of new faces, but honestly no one that I’ve clicked with the way I seem to click with my other friends 🤷🏻‍♀️ Though I’m struggling now, I’m optimistic that I’ll make more friends once I start with all of my different groups like Media Fellows, Stone Scholars, and all of my classes. And you already know my busybody self will overcommit to five too many activities at the activities fair.

Peace out homefries