braindump

hey!

it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

come in, sit down, make yourself at home and let’s chat. i’ll let you pick my brain in exchange for some good company as long as you don’t point out my questionable capitalization habits.

when i last posted, things were very different than they are now. since then, i’ve written probably fifteen drafts and snippets of half-thoughts and poorly worded concepts that i came back to in the way that your tongue seems to brush over the gaping hole in your gums when you lose a tooth. poking, prodding, feeling it out.

i was and still am not with whatever i’ve come up with and thus have labeled this period a Creative Rut. bursts of inspiration have come and gone with nothing satisfactory to show for it. i compare it to what i imagine it is like to have Stargardt’s Disease where you can’t see things that are right in front of you, only in your peripheral. when i turn to face my inspiration and my creative streak, it blurs and causes me to passively try to make something of it out of the corner of my eye.

anyways. i’m trying to get into the habit of just posting for the hell of it. it’s a muscle that needs to be flexed a bit more. i think i’ve been partially paralyzed by fear after getting some, uh, negative reviews for what i post here. i’ve recently become hyper-aware of how i’m perceived and this clearly extends to my online presence. ugh! how lame! i know!

a few things on my mind lately…a braindump, baby!

homecoming.

i’m currently living in Hawaii and aside from working in Wisconsin over the summer it’s the first time I’ve lived anywhere but Indiana. i’m thriving here in Hawaii! school keeps me somewhat busy, but most of the time i’m playing volleyball, going to the beach, playing volleyball at the beach, hiking, surfing (more like attempting to surf), dating cute boys, and eating as much good food as possible.

my life is so sweet here, and i do hate to admit that i am dreading my return to frigid Indiana next month. being away for six months has at times been isolating and sometimes just plain weird (looking at you, Wisconsin) but also empowering and freeing. of course, i can’t wait to see my family and friends again for the holidays and have one last go ’round at DePauw before graduating in May. as i brace myself for the culture shock that will inevitably come with my impending homecoming, i’m trying my best to romanticize the Hoosier state in the ways it exists in my foggy memory. naturally, few wintertime memories stand out in my mind which just reinforces my point. when people ask me what Indiana is like, i wish i could tell them what follows but instead i laugh and resort to making a comment about living amongst cornfields in between Chicago and Indy.

i think of driving down US 35 a bajillion times between my parents houses, watching the stalks of corn whiz by and musing to myself whether this year the corn would be “knee high by the fourth of July” this year or if it’d be taller by then. i think of playing tag with the neighborhood kids and scrambling on top of the dog box that sat and rusted by our garage that acted as our base so that we wouldn’t be “it.” i never liked being “it.” i tried to explain to a friend i met here from Indy about how after the sun sets in August, it’s blue hour and it’s cool and the sky is so deep and the moon is creamy white over the tips of the corn (or the soybeans, depending on the year) and sometimes people still have leftover firecrackers from the fourth of July and the cicadas drown me with their droning and–he just didn’t get it, he said. so, i stopped rambling for fear of sounding like a lunatic. going to the gas station or the post office and hearing the old guys talk near the cash register about how it’s been a dry year, “we could use some rain right about now,” they’ll say and stick their folded-up receipt in the front pocket of their Carhartt t-shirt and shuffle their work boots on the doormat as they attempt to exit the conversation. i think about my dad and my uncle taking my cousins and i hunting at a family friend’s house and eating Oreos and watching my cousins race to finish their cans of Coke as the men talk about tree stands and other topics that definitely weren’t as interesting as the pet racoon across the yard or the hounds that howled and licked our cookie-crumble-covered fingers through the metal grates of their cages. at most of my family gatherings, someone will scrounge up a Wick’s sugar cream pie from my grandma’s freezer and then they’ll talk about how they just don’t make ’em like they used to. then, the deck of cards will come out and teams will pair off to play Euchre and each year I tell myself I’ll learn to play and I never do.

media.

film! / television!

i’ve been slowly dipping my toes into the world of indie films, especially those starring Shia LaBeouf.

• American Honey

this is probably my favorite movie at the moment. it’s shot documentary style and mostly handheld. it was so comforting yet unsettling at times. the van scene at the end has to be one of the best scenes i’ve ever seen in a movie. i won’t stop telling anyone who will listen about it.

• HoneyBoy
• Peanut Butter Falcon
• The Florida Project
• Game of Thrones (took me three years, but i finally finished it)
• Stranger Things S4
• The “Is it better to speak or to die?” scene in Call Me By Your Name
• Chef’s Table on Netflix

music!

• Preacher’s Daughter – Ethel Cain
• The Backseat Lovers dropped a new album, i don’t love it but they’re still my favorite band
• The Wolf of Wall Street Power Hour 2.0 – @DJpigskin on Soundcloud
• OG TheWeeknd songs before going out
• Taylor Swift’s Midnights album disappointed me. no drama in the DMs please!

words.

• “Where you go, i’ll go. but if not, i’ll love you where we’re at.” (09/26/22, 7:24pm)
• “Just worship the band.” – School of Rock
• “Love is that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kinda stuff.” – Angels in the Outfield
• “Stop making excuses for people that don’t have to make excuses for you.” – @elirallo
• “The Two Headed Calf” – Laura Gilpin (https://rolfpotts.com/two-headed-calf-by-laura-gilpin/)

thoughts and fragments and rambles.

• it gets better at SOME point, even temporarily, when you realize exactly 2 years ago you were begging someone to just try again but now you’re lying in a hammock next to a cute boy post-surf and there’s a rainbow and he kisses you and it all feels okay and then the next few days it doesn’t feel so good and that’s hard but that’s okay. maybe it doesn’t get better all at once. (10/5/22)
• always take the vintage National Geographic from someone’s magazine rack while you have the chance, especially if they give you permission. you’re dumb if you don’t.
• whatever you create doesn’t have to be pretty or eloquent or groundbreaking, for you, for me, for future employers, but if it so happens along the way then so be it
• over-caffeinated, underwhelmed
• you cannot self-love your way out of your innate need for community!
• i think that it is okay to not have huge goals and ambitions, like you don’t have to want to be the absolute best at things or get the best opportunity or career. mediocrity has felt almost like a sin my entire life but burnout and perfectionistic habits kick my ass on multiple occasions so i’m learning to slow down and be okay with it. like it’s okay to work a job that just pays the bills if it means you can live the life you want off the clock. i still have goals but they don’t necessarily look like going to grad school or being a millionaire by 25 or 30 or 40. honestly they look more like developing hard skills that will help me in daily life and traveling and flexing new creative muscles and doing things that keep me motivated and inspired and can domino to other avenues or paths for my life
• i just don’t think you’ll lose much if you’re clear and honest in your intentions with somebody
• i cut my hair off and i have never felt more like myself, like my mom said “short and sassy, very fitting!”

well. it was so good to catch up after 11 months of radio silence on my end. maybe you’ll hear from me soon, but personally, i wouldn’t count on it. not so soon, at least. maybe we’ll be talking on a different platform if i can finally get a grip. growing pains! who knows!

love ya!

Mack <333