my mom thinks i’m crazy for doing so, but like i told her, “i’m the best goddamn company i know.”
i’m a huge advocate for doing things alone. as an anxious person, doing simple things like eating alone or even going to the gym alone used to send me spiraling. but over time, i’ve pushed myself to step further and further out of my comfort zone until i don’t think twice about it. because if anyone sees me doing anything alone and for some reason thinks that i’m weird or anything, well shame on them. they need to do some serious self reflection.
when the Lollapalooza lineup came out this year, i knew i wanted to go. i told myself that no matter what, i was going all four days, come hell or high water. the day i REALLY cared about was Saturday. in little letters, the lineup poster read “The Backseat Lovers” under the Saturday heading. oh baby! say no more! i was dead set on seeing my favorite band perform at Lollapalooza.
i tried coordinating with some friends over the summer to really no avail. and i was so upset. i knew that if i didn’t end up going, i would feel really disappointed in myself. like i let myself down because i missed out on an opportunity, once again. i have a bad habit of making a goal like this and then becoming really passive and then boom. opportunity passes me by. and the cycle continues. so i wanted to avoid that self-esteem crash if you will.
well SPOILER ALERT!!! i didn’t go to Lollapalooza this year. i sat at home that Saturday, but i really wasn’t feeling too bummed about missing out. when i thought about it, i would have been paying $150+ to see ONE band that i actually cared about. i just couldn’t justify it. i felt some FOMO because my friends ended up going anyways, but what really got me was the disappointment in myself!! here i was, missing out on something that i promised myself i would make happen and i failed. yeah, i felt like a failure and i began to doubt myself in terms of my future. if i couldn’t even make this silly little music festival work, how was i capable of creating the future i’ve always envisioned for myself? i felt so disheartened and defeated in a way.
clearly, things worked out.
i’ve come to learn that things always work out, maybe not the way i plan or even want necessarily, but nevertheless–it works out.
i knew The Backseat Lovers were touring, but for some reason I didn’t even bother to look up their schedule. the odds of them coming anywhere near where i lived (aka the cornstalks of Indiana) was slim to none. you can imagine my pure elation when my google search pinged results for tickets to their show in Indianapolis on Wednesday, which was only three days away. for a mere $18, mind you. i about pissed my bloomers on the spot!! EIGHTEEN DOLLARS ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! i plugged in my debit card information faster than you can say, “i wanna be YOUR backseat lover!”
so i had the ticket. but no company. and after the two people i texted to go with me said they were busy, i just decided to go alone. didn’t even think twice. i rode that adrenaline rush for a few hours, honestly. i was SO excited, and i hadn’t felt that giddy about…well, anything in a while.
when i woke up the next day, the nerves and the doubt started to kick in. surely *i* could not just roll up to a concert venue i’ve never been to, in a part of Indy i’ve never been to, where i know absolutely not a single soul. more than anything, i admire people who seize the opportunity even if they have to go alone. and i really didn’t think i could be one of those people!
i am, though. i rolled up to the HI-FI Annex in Fountain Square at promptly 6pm. armed with a borrowed fanny pack and a denim shirt in case i got COLD in the sweltering direct sunshine, i walked into the outdoor venue, chin up, shoulders back. this was the worst part. i didn’t have anyone to talk to at all. i walked directly into the crowd which was only a few rows deep at that point, and i stood and just looked around. partly looking for holes in the crowd to sneak to the front, partly seeking out a few kind looking souls that would take me in. i may have texted my best friend for some hyping.
as i stood there, i was so worried that i would stick out like a sore thumb. that everyone would be looking at me and noticing how i was all alone. in reality, i think i went almost unnoticed. it was like i wasn’t even there which wasn’t a good or a bad thing. it allowed me to take in my surroundings and not feel pressured to entertain someone that i dragged along with me. and i knew that if i got REALLY uncomfortable, then i could leave and not have to answer to anyone.
minutes before the opening act took the stage, two girls stepped in front of me. i tapped one on the arm and said, “oh i really like your tattoo!” we got to talking and when she asked who i came with, prompting me to explain that i came alone, she grabbed my arm and announced to her sister that i would be “with them” the rest of the evening. BINGO! found my kind souls! i didn’t feel alone after that.
for the record, The Backseat Lovers are amazing. like out-of-this-world, shoot-galaxy-rainbows-out-of-my-ass amazing, in my humble opinion. i was in awe the entire set. you know a band is good when they’re even better live. i was so disappointed when they walked offstage without performing my absolute favorite song (ever), “Sinking Ship.” the crowd started yelling ENCORE and to my little heart’s amazement, the opening chords began. one of the girls i’d befriended squeezed my arm as we sang along and i thought what better way to end the night.
i’m not going to sit and recount my entire concert experience, but it was the best night i have had in a long time. and i did it all by myself and for that, i am so damn proud.
so…would i do it again?
absolutely.
this is when my mom’s voice comes in asking but why?
- my self-esteem has improved.
i’ll be honest, i feel pretty good about myself. i mean i made it happen! yeah, i missed out on Lollapalooza, but in hindsight, i didn’t really miss out on anything. i ended up with a much much better (and way cheaper) opportunity. and the fact that i pulled it off, successfully, really gave me a huge boost in self-esteem because i kept that promise to myself. i also have the confidence that i could do it again if i wanted, and i can do ever bigger things without needing to depend on anyone else. i’m excited.
- meeting new people.
i don’t think i would have met the people i did if i wasn’t alone. while talking with one of the girls between sets, she told me all about the surrounding area and gave me a list of cool spots in Indy to visit. and she explained how she goes with her sister to all these concerts all the time and i just thought that was so cool. i actually briefly talked to another pair of girls earlier in the night who i found out were recent high school grads and one of them had plans to attend bible college in Hawaii in September. i ran into them when i was leaving the venue afterwards. i couldn’t tell you their names, but as we walked down the streetlamp lit street, their kindness will always be remembered and the fact that the one chose to go to school all the way in Hawaii, by herself, will continue to impact and inspire me.
- having a raw, uninterrupted experience.
i’ve already said this, but i didn’t feel pressure to make sure anyone else was enjoying themselves. i didn’t have to wonder if they thought the music was a load of garbage or if they regretted coming. and i didn’t feel weird about singing along or dancing, because sometimes i do feel that when i go with others. weird, but i was less inclined to restrict myself if no one knew me or would see me again, for that matter.
- fully realizing that there is SO MUCH more to life than the familiar bubbles i tend to limit myself to.
as i stood amongst the doc-marten-clad-crowd, i marveled at the variety of outfits and the meshing of people at this event. all these people from all over the country. and we all came together and crossed paths however briefly to share something in common. excuse my flair for the dramatic. i sat and wondered what it must be like in Utah, and as my subconscious was telling me that i’d never know because i’ll just stay in Greendingle, IN forever, a little voice piped up with “you can go, you know.” or seeing a really cool outfit and hearing my subconscious tell me that i’d never be able to emulate that sense of style. “you can, you know.” i want to experience the subcultures that pique my curiosity and the places that i dream about (more than Utah). it’s an everyday battle to fight the mean voice in my head that convinces me that very accessible things are so far out of my reach.
stop waiting for someone else to go with you! just GO, for the love of all things holy. it’s like that pinterest quote “i was never going to go if i waited for someone to come with me.” buy the ticket, plan the outfit, and go carpe diem that shit already. it’s really not as big of a deal as some people make it.
“if it’s me you’re waiting on, then i’ll say spend your time on someone else’s sinkin’ ship.”
Mack ❤
The Mackadamia Nut 