Hiiiii, me again. Long time no see. And there’s a reason for that. Most of my posts aren’t planned, and I don’t write on any certain day. I just write when I feel like I need to get things out of my head. But I am also a recovering perfectionist/overachiever so it’s hard to live up to the expectations that I set for myself. “Raw” was real and straight from the heart and probably my favorite post so far. And I don’t think I can top it, not that I should even have to top it. So even with all the craziness that’s been bouncing around in my head for like the past three months, I could never bring myself to sort out what I wanted to even say. But I decided my hiatus is over, no matter how sloppy this comeback is 🙂 I want to talk about a lot of things.

First off, I want to talk about life, particularly the cycle of highs and lows. I’ve noticed within the past couple of years that I tend to go through periods of time where I feel sad and anxious for what seems like no reason. I go numb. I make impulsive decisions to feel some surge of energy. I go through the motions most of the time. It’s like the world as I know it is drained of color. The vibrant yellows are replaced with dusty gold. It’s kinda scary because I don’t know when I’ll be back to “normal”, and it’s really frustrating because I just want to feel happy again. Not a fake happy, but a lasting happy. Truly happy.

Though I do have my “depressive episodes”, the happy episodes are there too. That’s when you wake up ready to take on the world and you feel a lil pep in your step. It just seems like you’re looking at life through a clear lens.

In between the happy and the sad lies the normal. I learned that people actually have a rebound rate. So after a really high moment like getting married or a low moment like being diagnosed with cancer, your mood always stabilizes to the same level, unless you factor in pleasure which is a whole other factor that I’m not going to talk about. Knowing this makes things a little easier. It’s temporary.

I don’t think people talk about cycles like that frequently enough. And no matter what you think, no one has their sh*t together.

Switching to another tangent now. I’ve also been trying to embrace my youth and what often accompanies youth: confusion and recklessness. I’m nineteen and a half on Wednesday. That’s it. I know I’m going to do dumb things with my dumb friends. I’m going to hurt people and get hurt in the process of this crazy lil thang called life. Sometimes, we’re the bad person in someone else’s story. I’ll inevitably break my own heart because apparently I’m naive. I don’t know what I want to do with my life at all. I don’t even know what I want to do next week. I have no clue what I want to major in, and I’m slowly discovering that some things that I thought were made for me, actually weren’t. I’m slowly learning and accepting that all of this is quite okay. I honestly, truly do not know what I want in my life right now and maybe I don’t even know what’s best for me at the moment. But I’m flying by the seat of my pants and living through the bullsh*t now. Because guess what? I don’t want to be working a miserable job, married with three kids and not know what I want from my life. I won’t get to be like this down the road. I have full faith in how the universe plays out (not to sound cheesy or anything), but I know that even if I’m dazed and confused now, everything will fall into place. With some personal effort, of course. Even though I really am having a time with some things now, especially since classes have started, I still am grateful to have the opportunity to live and thrive while I still can.

We all have those moments kid. It’s OKAY to NOT be okay. I promise. It sucks to feel nothing but it sucks to feel anything. It sucks to be tied down, but it sucks to be searching for someone. We all want something other than what we have and until you learn to live in the moment and be content with what you have, that constant search for SOMETHING is going to drive you insane. Trying to find validation of yourself in anyone but yourself is like an emotional rollercoaster.

the realest, my bff since third grade, Lex

The people in my life are my absolute favorite things ever. I’m so passionate about people. If you’re reading this please please please play 21 (or more) questions with me! Or the favorites game. FaceTime me. Snap me. My friends mean the world to me, and I’m so blessed to have people that will love me, support me, and listen to me say “it be like that sometimes” on a daily basis. Though it’s hard to spend time with some of them because of distance/other circumstances, I can still feel the love through the phone. Long distance friendships suck, but some bonds just hit differently. I’d do anything for my bros. Surrounding myself with people who truly care about me, and constantly show up for me (even though they’re on my a** a lot) has been the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. Healthy relationships? “Ohhhh say lessss.”

Talking about being numb and not feeling like yourself is really difficult, at least for me. I had never really known what to say or how to describe what I was feeling let alone WHY. I remember crying to my mom one day and she kept asking what was wrong. When I didn’t have an answer, she was worried which worried me. I tried to talk to other people about this, searching for someone to say “Oh my gosh, you too??” with no luck. Until I came to college and one of my friends described the same situation. And then I was the one saying “Wait, you too?” I wasn’t crazy after all. Sometimes we just feel what we feel, and that’s that.

So I’m hoping you didn’t read this and think I’m crazy or that my mental health is suffering. It’s not. I’m actually in a good place, relatively speaking. When you feel things so so deeply, it’s absolutely draining; hence the numbness. It’s a biological defense mechanism. I’m not depressing to be around (I mean I think I’m pretty fun) and I don’t burden my relationships with my baggage. But then again, I shouldn’t have to justify my mental health. Everyone goes through the cycles of life, maybe differently, but it’s not a taboo thing. Let’s talk about it more, mmmmkay?

I know that it be like that sometimes

But know that it won’t be like that all the time

ILYSB — I LOVE YOU SO BAD

MACK 😇