Month: September 2019

Who Even Am I?

nasty 19, hollaaaaaaa

Easy. I’m Mackenzie C. I’m Mack, Mac n Cheese, Macaroni, whatever my friends like to nickname me. I’m the girl with the cute bee tattoo! I’m the introverted girl, the one who leaves the party early when it isn’t doing anything for me. The girl who sends 7 texts in a row, obnoxious I know. My worst habit and nervous tick is popping my knuckles. I’m the girl who wishes they were more like Bridget from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants but is actually more like Lena or Tibby. But who am I on a deeper level?

It seems like since I started college, I’ve really become more in-tune with myself. (how cliche I KNOWWW) Which is nice because I feel like I had lost myself in a sense, kinda like I’ve been in a fog. I really didn’t see myself clearly, didn’t see my self-worth. So now, buckle up kids because we’re taking this rollercoaster straight into my internal mess.

First and foremost, I have come to realize that I am ~reflective/self-aware~. What the heck does that mean? It means I constantly reflect on how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. I also know that I throw up a peace sign way more than what should be allowed. But anyways, I didn’t use to be so in tune with myself. Growing up, I struggled with basic communication skills. I would cry and most of the time I either wasn’t sure why I felt that way or I was not comfortable in explaining my emotions. Absolutely, I was one of those people who pushed down everything. I did NOT cry in front of people. I thought it made me weak and I hated being vulnerable. I was always the girl who had everything together, couldn’t risk being seen losing the pieces. I felt awkward when my friends would cry in front of me because even though I cared for them, I didn’t know how to handle the situation because I didn’t even know how to handle myself in the midst of a breakdown! I never emotionally developed until about sophomore year of high school I would say. I became a tad more comfortable crying in front of people. Then, I entered my first relationship. Really didn’t know what I got myself into. All of a sudden, I HAD to communicate about things that bothered me and things that made me happy, and I didn’t know how to do that! It was scary. Slowly but surely, I practiced and became comfortable with communicating. Go me.

So now, I can communicate better how I’m feeling to others and to myself. But because I’m so analytical towards myself and others, I overthink way too much. Honestly, I feel like this doesn’t apply to me so much anymore with my life. I don’t overthink so much about my personal future or stuff like that. Rather, it’s when I’m given a reason to overthink by other people. Not clear with your intentions? BOOM let the overthinking begin. I really will assume the worst. Maybe that’s my toxic trait. But it’ll go on a constant cycle until I finally bust and just need some honesty.

Speaking of honesty, it’s so so important to me. There is nothing that I hate more than a liar. Okay maybe there is but it’s way up there in the list. Everything slips at some point so it’s better to be straight up with me the first time 🙂 Trying to save my feelings and leave out the whole truth really is useless because then it’s like a double slap in the face when I find out the whole truth and then know that you lied about it. Or “withheld information from me.” Same thing. Stupid stupid. Don’t do me like that.

I know my worth now. I know when a situation is not serving me. I KNOW who I am. Hate to say it, I’m really not cocky, but I am a freaking catch. Yeah I’m shy and maybe awkward at first, but once I’m comfortable with you I neverrrr stop talking. I didn’t use to think I was that pretty, but now? Okay everyone has those days where they feel like they’re the scum of the Earth and I’m no exception lolll. Now I do think I’m pretty but I also know that I have so much more to offer than my looks. When I see a girl that I think is prettier than me, I remind myself that her looks don’t take away from me. And she’s not me. Don’t mean that in a bad way, I’m sure she has some great things to offer too. I know that I am intelligent. I’m supa dupa loyal to the ones I love. I think I’m pretty funny sometimes. I love to have a good time and goof around. One of my favorite things about myself is that I’m ambitious. Settling for life? Don’t know her. I really don’t just float around in life with no purpose. I don’t wait for life to come to me because I know it doesn’t work like that. Even if it’s small things, I make it happen. Or at least I convince myself that I do. That leads me into my other favorite thing about myself.

I am intentional. I purposefully engage in my life. In my relationships , I can’t speak for how others view me, but I think I treat them how I would like to be treated. I’m thoughtful about lots of things. And I think I’m extremely aware of how my actions affect other people or how they may be perceived by other people. Which is something that I don’t think a lot of people, at least at my age, possess. I know that I’m enough. I know that I deserve so much love. I really am *that girl* whether someone realizes it or not. I don’t need other people to think I’m cool when I know I’m cool in my own nerdy way. I’m deeply sentimental. And emotionally sensitive in the sense that when I feel an emotion I feel it ALL THE WAY. Those too can make for a rough combo. I’ve never welcomed change in my life. I actually feel sad when my birthday comes because I revel in the fact that I won’t ever be that age again. I cried when I started high school because I wouldn’t be in middle school anymore. (Who does that??) I didn’t cry when I had my first kiss. Of course I was happy! But I also realized that I could never get it back. I could never go back to the firsts. They already happened and I was worried the newness would rub off. Now my focus tends to be on the lasts because that season of life really isn’t coming back. The lasts may be worse than the firsts because sometimes you just don’t see the lasts coming. Did I mention I’m melodramatic? I like to see my life as a movie or a book because why not? It’s fun to romanticize life.

I know what people give me energy. My new friends at college are really a blessing. I’ve really met some of the sweetest people. Even though I’m still building relationships with some, they inspire me to be better. When I’m with them, I feel like light and am reminded of the good things in this world. Hey I’m living my 19th year of life, why take it so seriously?? My friends are so loving and caring for me. It’s like having them in my life makes me feel safe like I constantly am being hugged- figuratively, unless I do need a hug. They don’t think I’m crazy for feeling the way I do right now, and they try to understand and empower me. They lift me up without judgement when I feel insecure or anxious. Sometimes, we all just need someone to sit with us on our dorm floor while we cry our hearts out. Sometimes, we don’t need someone to give advice or anything like that, we just need someone to encourage us and understand our point of view. We don’t need someone to coo and tell us it’ll be okay in the end. Sure that’s nice and dandy, but it doesn’t do anything to acknowledge the pain we feel in the moment. We just need someone to listen!!! As humans, we need to feel love. And I’ve felt that love now. Even if my favorite love is gone, my friends will fill the void until I am whole again. I only hope that I can be as loving to them as they are to me.

Back to the whole self-aware thing. I lied. I’m not always aware of WHY I feel so crappy or why I seem to be sad for no good reason. But through dealing with various depressive episodes, I’ve realized that it’s okay to just feel like I’m scraping rock bottom without a reason. I cry and I isolate myself and feel absolutely numb. Scary, yeah? Yeah. And it’s scary for my loved ones because they’re worried. Especially because I truly don’t know what’s wrong with me. Not that anything has to be wrong with me to justify my feelings. My feelings are completely validated because they are entirely MINE. No one knows what it’s like inside my body so why should they get to tell me how to feel? It happens. But the feeling passes. And I am born again.

Born again. Reborn. What a mantra. And so perfect for me in my current season of life. Who am I? I just rediscovered myself. But I’ll have to discover myself all over again once I’m fully reborn. I’ll be better (at least that’s the goal lol :)) Manifesting it.

LOVE YALLLLLL

MACK ❤

MY GIRL RUBIIIII
someone who really understands the more melancholic parts of my personality, we call that a miracle (or we call him Edgar)

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I almost want to laugh out loud, my life wasn’t perfect last September but it was pretty good. That’s the way life ebbs and flows, yeah?

Maybe a month ago the title would’ve been “Wake Me Up When September Arrives.”

For as long as I can remember, I have thrived in September. For starters, I’m a September baby. So as a young kid, September meant my birthday! It meant two parties! It meant presents, birthday cake, all my family and friends gathered together to celebrate me!

The weather during an Indiana September is never ever everrrr consistent. At the beginning, you have fake fall transition, then full-on summer throughout the next week, and then another coolish week, and usually a final transition. But those periods are free to switch up just to keep us Hoosiers on our toes and our hands on the jacket hooks. I remember hoping and praying that the 19th brought hot sun and a warm breeze so that I could play outside without a jacket for my birthday. Not that the weather stopped me. I can picture myself outside my old house, spinning my bicycle tires in a big puddle in my driveway so that the water would splash me. “Look at you!” my dad exclaimed. “You’re filthy! And in a skirt!” I think my dad was a little annoyed when he saw I was covered in dirty water and grass. As the sun went down, my grandma started to walk home. I felt the chill of dusk as I anxiously ran inside and asked my dad if I could go with her. The birthday girl left her own party.

As I moved on to junior high and high school, September started to mean something else for me. Our homecoming was almost always in September or early October. Homecoming was my favorite time of year while I was in school! We had dress up weeks, and the weather was still warm for the football games. Volleyball was just getting started, my birthday would come within the month, and school wasn’t old to me yet. I was always sad to see September wane into October.

~Flash forward~

In only my second month of college, I’ve hit some bumps along the way. The most recent, more akin to Mt. Everest, has me stuck, wheels spinning. I’m lost, confused, and heartbroken. I found myself thinking today “God, I wish the month would just be over already!” Me, a September girl, praying that the month flies by so that I don’t have to go through this so agonizingly. How sad that what used to be one of the times of year that I anxiously looked forward to has been cleansed of its symbolism. Instead, it reminds me of my past season of life ending once and for all. I no longer have the last piece to tie me back to my high school life. Which in a way is refreshing.

bUt MaCk, YoU’rE bIrThDaY iS iN sEpTeMbEr! Yes I know. I’ve always made a huge deal about my birthday, declaring to my family and friends that it’s my birth month or birth week (yeah, one of THOSE people, in a joking manner of course). Last year, my birthday was amazing! My grandma on my mom’s side made me a red velvet cheesecake (SO GOOD, Doris is the best cook tbh), my cousins brought salsa and assorted dips that slapped, and I got to chill with my loved ones. Then, my stepmom threw me a surprise birthday party with a ton of my good friends 😥 But this year, things are a little different. Rather than me standing on top of the world, chewing up and spitting out obstacles in my path, the world is on top of me like an elephant squashing a chihuahua. Though I’ll likely be pushing through September similar to how one looks when trying to walk through knee-high water, the end of the month will come and I will be better. Then, the next month will arrive and go and I’ll be better yet. Time will tell.

Needless to say, 11 days into September and I’m looking for a new favorite month. Definitely not November, not J, F, mayyybe December? IDK October’s lookin’ pretty good over there with all its pumpkin pie and spooky season. But maybe not. Maybe I need to stay away from the last 4 months of the year. Maybe I’ll opt for one with the least amount of personal correlations. I’ll learn to love a new month for now. Leaving my own party once again.

ALL MY LUV

MACK

*Yeah I know it’s a Green Day song, get off my back*